“You really won’t understand your life as a woman until you understand this:You are passionately loved by the God of the universe.
You are passionately hated by his Enemy.
And so, dear heart, it is time for your restoration. For there is One greater than your Enemy. One who has sought you out from the beginning of time. He has come to heal your broken heart and restore your feminine soul.” (Pg 91 of CAPTIVATING)
It is amazing to me the clarity that comes in the midst of battle. Clarity of mind which at times can be painful but very necessary. I know all to well that there is an enemy of my soul. I know that he desires to destroy me, not because of who I am but because of who my Father is! I also know that for generations before me he planted lies and caused problems. Yet as I walk down the shore I realize, my Father hears me, He gets me, He understands the battle, the consequences, the wounds and the wounded. He knows and in Him there is no condemnation! Wow. I am free to express myself with full animation, to empty out these chambers of my mind and soul. The closer I get to the parts I have locked away the closer and more intently He listens. It isn’t that He doesn’t already know what I am going to say, because He does. I am the one that doesn’t know, not fully, what words will come, what thoughts will crash on the shores of my mind and heart, but, He is ready. He is ready and at this moment in time I choose to trust in that. Not in my inability to out run the wave, sending me retreating up the shore, but today I choose to trust in the fact that with each wave there is a release and what is washed up on shore is moments later also washed away. Letting go of the things that have bound me is a little less scary when He is standing between me and the deep!
SO I decided today to share with you a devotion I receive in my emails each morning! Why, because WOW- I couldn’t put into words the thoughts that came rushing as I read this excerpt. The book is designed for a man to read but lately I seem to be “fighting” more like a boy……
“You will be wounded. Just because this battle is spiritual doesn’t mean it’s not real; it is, and the wounds a man can take are in some ways more ugly than those that come in a firefight. To lose a leg is nothing compared to losing heart; to be crippled by shrapnel need not destroy your soul, but to be crippled by shame and guilt may. You will be wounded by the Enemy. He knows the wounds of your past, and he will try to wound you again in the same place. But these wounds are different; these are honor-wounds. Blaine was showing me his scars the other night at the dinner table. “This one is where Samuel threw a rock and hit me in the forehead. And this one is from the Tetons when I fell into that sharp log. I can’t remember what this one was from; oh, here’s a good one-this one is from when I fell into the pond while chasing Luke. This one is a really old one when I burned my leg on the stove camping.” He’s proud of his scars; they are badges of honor to a boy . . . and to a man.
We have no equivalent now for a Purple Heart of spiritual warfare, but we will. One of the noblest moments that await us will come at the wedding feast of the Lamb. Our Lord will rise and begin to call those forward who were wounded in battle for his name’s sake and they will be honored, their courage rewarded. I think of Henry V’s line to his men, He that outlives this day, and comes safe home, Will stand a tip-toe when the day is named, And rouse him at the name of Crispian . . . Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars, And say, “These wounds I had on Crispin’s day.” Old men forget; yet all shall be forgot, But he’ll remember with advantages What feats he did that day; then shall our names . . . Be in their flowing cups freshly remember’d. (Wild at Heart ,176-77)”
I have so limited myself by my faith in my “inability”. Even though I loosely know I have worth I don’t whole heartedly believe it- otherwise my self-doubt wouldnt out weigh my faith. I mean …really…..I think if I was Peter and Jesus would have been standing on the water I might have said if you really are Jesus let me walk to you-but really, I think my first thought would have been self-defeating. WOW – the lies we believe. It is insane, even after years of recovery, but its the ONION….
layer after layer after layer, until I am back to the beginning, the place where I lost my innocence so to speak….so, with tears and perserverance…lets peel away
I want to be free! Free from the things that have hurt me and bound me. Free from my own thoughts and fears. Free to shut off my brain and free from the noise. I trust in GOD- I have faith. But along with that I have learned I have more faith in my “in abilities”, in my own self-doubt. Thoughts will race- Did I do something to deserve it? I hear and process it as I could have done something different, I don’t measure up. I struggle in this always. It is ingrained in me. From circumstances both real and impressed. There seems to be no peace. This year has been about defining my dash. But in order to do that it has been a very rough journey. I don’t expect you to understand. You really couldn’t. You haven’t walked in my shoes. Experiences may be similar but really you don’t know. And that is ok. I don’t expect you to understand. But with that said I need space and time to heal and undo all that has been done. It is the single hardest thing I have ever done. I know I am far from done. I remember asking one time, isn’t it enough to know that something happened and be able to release it without living through it again. Now I know the answer- for me it’s no. Since I don’t want to ever be in this place again I have to be honest and work through and not be afraid. Afraid of what I will uncover, who will care, or what will be left behind. I am not defined by it- whatever “it” turns out to be. I’m pressing forward. I am learning that my faith in my “inabilities” shouldn’t be- even though it has been the comfortable fitting old shirt I put on- funny that because it is a place we know and are comfortable we return to it. I am learning as I study Joshua I too can have a SUN STAND STILL MOMENT- as a matter of fact I think I am in that time now- I know the healing is coming….I know this is a process and I am going to be free