SUN STAND STILL for me too

I want to be free!  Free from the things that have hurt me and bound me.  Free from my own thoughts and fears.  Free to shut off my brain and free from the noise.  I trust in GOD- I have faith.  But along with that I have learned I have more faith in my “in abilities”, in my own self-doubt.  Thoughts will race- Did I do something to deserve it?  I hear and process it as I could have done something different, I don’t measure up.  I struggle in this always.  It is ingrained in me.  From circumstances both real and impressed.  There seems to be no peace.  This year has been about defining my dash.  But in order to do that it has been a very rough journey.  I don’t expect you to understand.  You really couldn’t.  You haven’t walked in my shoes.  Experiences may be similar but really you don’t know.  And that is ok.  I don’t expect you to understand.  But with that said I need space and time to heal and undo all that has been done.  It is the single hardest thing I have ever done. I know I am far from done.  I remember asking one time, isn’t it enough to know that something happened and be able to release it without living through it again.  Now I know the answer- for me it’s no.  Since I don’t want to ever be in this place again I have to be honest and work through and not be afraid.  Afraid of what I will uncover, who will care, or what will be left behind.   I am not defined by it- whatever “it” turns out to be.  I’m pressing forward.  I am learning that my faith in my “inabilities”  shouldn’t be- even though it has been the comfortable fitting old shirt I put on- funny that because it is a place we know and are comfortable we return to it.  I am learning as I study Joshua I too can have a SUN STAND STILL MOMENT- as a matter of fact I think I am in that time now- I know the healing is coming….I know this is a process and I am going to be free


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