There are a thousand things I want to say but the words all come out wrong or better yet, they aren’t finding a safe place on the pages of this blog. I have my good days and my bad like most. I have the days when I get it and days when I am so lost I don’t know which end is up. There are times when I cry myself to sleep and others when I am so wired sleep escapes me. There are days when I wish I could turn back time and others I want to jump ahead. There are times when I find myself lost- wondering how I got to the place in which I stand. Others, I am all to aware of the choices that led me here. There are moments of peace and quiet, laughter and joy. It is not always bad. Sometimes I focus on the wrong things. I need to redirect. There are times when I need just to be …. there are times when I want time to stand still so I can remember. I am lost in a thousand places. My eyes are focused and though my edges feel tattered, I chose to believe that on the flip side He sees a tapestry. So my words for today will be private and HE will remain my glue.
Sunday I spent a few hours sitting on the beach listening to the sound of the waves. As I walked down to the water I watched as each wave washed away small shells and stones and then rolled away leaving new treasures in their place. Last summer I left many things in those waves. I retreated to the ocean and spent many quiet moments with the Lord, searching for hope, healing and direction. So as I waded into the water this Sunday I was reminded that His mercies are new each day. Not just for the mad paddling his surf board across the water, the little girl building a sand castle on the shore, the friends laughing and sharing in a game of tag on the sand but for me. Just the way that I am me. Without a string attached. I was reminded as I reached down and picked up a smooth small stone that obviously had its home in the sea for quite some time, that those that start with rough and jagged edges are smoothed and polished over time. It is the pounding of the sea and the mighty roll of the ocean, the ebbs and flows, the picture perfect glassy days and the gale force winds that create this tiny smooth stone. It might not seem like much but it won a battle for David. I walked back to my chair and as I sank my feet into the sand I closed my eyes. Thankful for the place I am. There is a lot left to do but with each wave He is fixing my rough and jagged edges and polishing me for the day I win the victory. The day the sun stands still for me and I see His promise!
Sometimes it feels like no one notices. We go through life doing the “right thing” and often times no one notices, or maybe it’s that they notice but don’t seem to care, or maybe it’s that they notice, and regardless of if they care or not you feel like it’s not enough. Sometimes it’s those “right things” you wish you had never done. Although sometimes it’s those “right things” we were meant to do.
Today someone saw me for me. She has walked through a lot with me in the past 7 years. She has walked, listened and helped me in more ways than one. She spoke up for me today and I wept. She painted a picture clearly of me and my world today to someone who acts like she could careless. Lots of people she said give up on others when they treat them like crap. They come and say “here you take her, I am done!” They quit and walk away. Rarely she says, does anyone quit on themselves first.
The picture continued with hues of joy and sadness, memories of pain and loss and encouragement for tomorrow. From her heart she got mine.
At the point when I didn’t care about tomorrow she saw me and got me. I am thankful. It is in the moments like today, when she hasn’t seen me in months, that I know GOD hears me. They very things that I needed to hear she spoke. It was an “I GOT THIS” message from my Father!