Not even sure how to start this journal tonight. This is a big one. Tearing down this tower isn’t easy. It’s hard hat and work boot territory right now. My head wants me to linger, move slow, let it go for another day, but my heart knows that if I wait I will fall back into wrong thinking and fear. See, I give myself no Grace. My tower is built on lies that I have come to believe and every time I think I rid myself of them I haven’t. I always manage to build them a better place to live.
Not this time.
I can give grace. I can forgive and I can let go and I can overlook repeatedly. There isn’t anything amazing about that. When it comes to myself however it’s a no go. That is because there is only one that can really give grace. Amazing Grace. Grace without measure. Grace that there is nothing I could ever do to deserve or repay.
So as I break down this wall and start to look at each brick and why I put it there right away I am faced with the glue that has held this crap together for so long. My never-ending feeling of unworthiness, failure, powerlessness, fear, and it goes on and on.
Each night as we have been walking I tend to get lost in thought. Coming around the last stretch I realized how much I have allowed my thinking to control my life. How much I have allowed my fears to dictate my days and nights. So many starts…..and starts….over and over again. Tonight however I am resting in Amazing Grace. I am resting in his arms again and in knowing that I don’t have to do this perfect. I just have to do it. One step, one brick, one emotion at a time. All day today, all week really, I have had to face “it” head on, speak truth to “it”, not allow it to control my day. I might sound like a broken record but I have learned through recovery that speaking it out loud helps it lose its power.
Today I walked, I ate healthy, I accomplished what I set my hands to. I laughed with my kids, cried a few times, shared a smile and made a memory. Today I took back some things that are mine!
That makes today a success!
The Message (MSG)
12-14That means you must not give sin a vote in the way you conduct your lives. Don’t give it the time of day. Don’t even run little errands that are connected with that old way of life. Throw yourselves wholeheartedly and full-time—remember, you’ve been raised from the dead!—into God’s way of doing things. Sin can’t tell you how to live. After all, you’re not living under that old tyranny any longer. You’re living in the freedom of God.