Some nights it is hard to put words to paper to express where I am on this journey. As I read through Made to Crave I am lingering awhile in Chapter 2, looking over the reasons why I am where I am and my motivations to make a change.
I have done this before. Lost the weight. 100 pounds even. TWICE! What makes me think this time will be any different? If I am honest, I don’t. That is why I have set no goals. That is why I have not stepped on a scale. That is why I am focusing my attention differently this time. That is why my approach is not something I am defining. It is something I am allowing HIM to define.
It isn’t just about getting into the smaller, cuter clothes. It isn’t just about turning heads and getting compliments and attention for losing all this weight. Just like gaining all this weight the 1st, 2nd and 3rd time wasn’t about the food. You see, just like for an alcoholic, a drug addict, a workaholic, shopaholic, it is just a symptom of a bigger issue.
Food for me is something I can control when everything else is out of control. It is something that makes me feel good when I feel like a failure. Whether it is enjoying that ice cream all alone or cooking my family an elaborate meal, food gave me something that I didn’t think I deserved from anyone else, even myself. It gives me a momentary sense of satisfaction. That satisfaction made me comfortable and reliant on something I was never intended to rely on. Food is made so we can live. We were never intended to live to eat. We are however created to crave!
The word is full of promises designed for me! For you! We were created to crave one thing and one thing alone. And as we crave HIM and His promises we begin to find the reasons to make a change. A lasting change.
That, however, requires us to obey and go. I have to leave what has become comfortable. Step out of my comfort zone. Not care who sees me walking. Not care what others might think. My head tells me they are laughing at the fat girl who should have been doing this long ago. It doesn’t matter. I have to look to what matters. What isn’t about me. What is lasting and define my reasons by truth.
It isn’t just in the area of my health, it is in every area. I have allowed myself to become comfortable. To settle. To sustain and just get by. The goals and things I have set out to accomplish so many times before have been with in my sights yet always manage to elude me. Sometimes because I makes excuses and sabotage myself. I have to learn today to set boundaries to protect and to encourage and to grow.
So I have a choice. I stay and continue in the cycle of procrastination, putting off for tomorrow what needs my attention now. I can allow guilt and fear to paralyze me. I can allow the lies that I have come to believe, by my own insecurities or things others have said or done to me to paralyze me. I can waste the purpose I was created for. I can stay or I can obey and go.
I have no idea what this is going to look like. Each day I do my best to do the “next right thing”. I make choices today that allow for the best possible outcome. I take the walk! I eat healthy. I tidy my home and help my kids with homework. I work on one thing today I put off last year and work towards checking off another project. I make a memory. I play a game, listen to music, be still. I take however many moments I need to redirect my thoughts and my head and my heart. I spend time in the word and in prayer and I take every chance I can to see my world and myself in a whole new way. I speak truth to the lies that have taken up residence in my head.
Today I make it about all the things I can do and can have and in that I make today a success!