For two weeks I have been on this journey. Steady working through my personal Project 365. I have made countless new memories, started many new and long over due projects. I began reading a book I purchased 5 months ago. I am getting outside, taking those walks. I have started the hard work of finding myself, learning my purpose, renewing my passion. I have taken one new step every chance I get in the right direction.
Today I spent the day enjoying my kids. We got a few things done on my to-do list so the house was ready for the week, then we watched movies and started a fire. We spent the day just being together. I planned a nice dinner since everyone would be home and we could spend the night as a family. The kids spent some time outside while I prepared the meal.
Then the phone rang.
In rushed bitterness, anger and resentment. Like a flood I felt overwhelmed with this sick feeling of suffocating emotions. I could hear my heart beating in my ears. My face was hot and the thoughts and words that were flooding my mind were crippling. These things just aren’t me. I wanted nothing more than to lash out. I could feel my mood changing. This is not what I had planned for today.
Bitterness! I have given in to it time and time again. I have given it to GOD time and time again. I have begged and pleaded. Just yesterday even, and the day before. If I am honest I have had to give it over for a few years now. I have had to make a decision sometimes several times a day to let these hurts go. I have learned to see these things for what and who they are. Yet still, here I stand holding on to them so tightly I am losing the feeling in my fingers. I want so much to be free. My life has become consumed. I allow so many things control over me, to trigger me.
I remember years ago at a recovery meeting a message on making a choice: Stay bitter or become better.
I know what staying bitter has cost me. It cost me a few years in a deep depression. It cost me relationships and joy and peace. It changed the landscape of my life. I let others actions dictate my day, my life, my emotions.
So today I dropped my rocks. The ones I picked up seconds after my phone rang. I dropped them once again. I headed to do the only thing that works. I faced it head on and began to apply truth to my hurts. Letting go of this bitterness doesn’t mean the ones who hurt me win, that they are right or that it is ok. It does however allow me to heal. It allows me to move forward and to breathe. So when the next time comes I can see clearly. I can remind myself of who I am, who HE is and not give room for bitterness. I forgive today and each time I feel this thing creeping back in I will forgive again.
We had a great dinner tonight and enjoyed a nice fire. I know that I will continue to face things that I am and will be powerless over. I am waiting in expectation. In Him the battle is won! That makes my today a success.
As for God, His way is perfect; the word of the Lord is proven; He is a shield to all who trust in Him. Psalm 18:30
You shall hide them in the secret place of Your presence from the plots of man; You shall keep them secretly in a pavilion from the strife of tongues. Psalm 31:20
You are my hiding place; You shall preserve me from trouble; You shall surround me with songs of deliverance. Psalm 32:7
“1 Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. 2 This I declare about the LORD: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him. 3 For he will rescue you from every trap and protect you from deadly disease. 4 He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection. 5 Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night, nor the arrow that flies in the day. 6 Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness, nor the disaster that strikes at midday. 7 Though a thousand fall at your side, though ten thousand are dying around you, these evils will not touch you. 8Just open your eyes, and see how the wicked are punished. 9 If you make the LORD your refuge, if you make the Most High your shelter, 10 no evil will conquer you; no plague will come near your home. 11 For he will order his angels to protect you wherever you go. 12 They will hold you up with their hands so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone. 13You will trample upon lions and cobras; you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet! 14 The LORD says, “I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. 15 When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them. 16 I will reward them with a long life and give them my salvation.”
The God of my rock; in him will I trust: he is my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my high tower, and my refuge, my savior; thou saved me from violence. I will call on the LORD, who is worthy to be praised: so shall I be saved from mine enemies. 2 Samuel 22:3-4
I will both lay me down in peace, and sleep: for thou, LORD, only makes me dwell in safety. Psalm 4:8
But let all those rejoice who put their trust in You; let them ever shout for joy, because You defend them; let those also who love Your name be joyful in You. Psalm 5:11