I am not a big fan of the dark. I like to see what is going on around me and more than anything what is under my feet! (Might be the years of stepping on things that aren’t meant to be stepped on (toys, slugs, ewww). Last night, after taking meds all day for a migraine and sleeping it off, I woke quite often. About 1 a.m. I made my way through my room feeling my way as I went as to not run into anything. I ventured down the dark hall wishing I had grabbed my phone and used its light to guide my way. Thankfully, without running into anything, I reached the kitchen and flipped on the light.
A pitch black room is dark only until one small flicker of light enters its space. As soon as you strike the match or flip the switch the darkness is no more.
The same is true in my mind. The dark places that like to clothe me in heaviness only are dark until I apply the truth. My oldest son is an amazing young man. He is my baby! (Stick around and you will hear me say it quite often) Standing over 6′ tall and at 21 years old he really isn’t a baby anymore but nonetheless. I remember so well the day he was born, holding him, feeding him, reading stories and long days swimming at the pool. I remember the first day of school and his last. I remember with tears streaming down my face the moment they handed him his diploma. I remember the day he moved out and the day he got engaged. They set a date last night! I couldn’t be happier. His fiance is sweet and is a wonderful young woman. I love her family and I am so thankful for how she loves my son. I love to see the spark in their eyes. I am proud of them and so happy!
In the moment I heard the news and wrote the date I was so excited and so overwhelmed with emotion, after all this is my baby. As happens on many nights I lay awake with a thousand things running through my mind. I wondered what kind of dress she would pick, what her theme will be and what flowers she will choose. Then out of nowhere the dark threatened to overwhelm me. In just that instant I felt fear and panic and so not good enough. I began to figure how much time I had to get in shape to not be an embarrassment to my son. Let me explain. My son has never made me feel any of this. He tells me all the time how proud he is of me and what an awesome mom I am. He loves me and always has shown me his respect and admiration. Yet many years ago when I was a young mom and married to his father I was told all the time that someday my kids would be ashamed of me and embarrassed if I didn’t lose my weight. I was reminded last night of those words, piercing my heart and, even though I have never had a time where I felt that was how my children feel, this words blanket me in this dark place that should be filled with happiness and light.
I made my way down the dark hall towards the kitchen. I needed to silence my mind and still my heart. As I flipped on the light the darkness was no more and truth flooded in like a cool breeze. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Just like I am. After 5 babies. Regardless of my height, hair color, wrinkles or the number on the scale. I can let this fear overwhelm me or I can use it to motivate me. I can let the dark bring despair or I can let the light bring life. I have already chosen life. Each day that I wake up and embrace all that God has for me to do. Each day that I make the next right choice. Each day that I spend loving my family and myself. Each day that I apply truth, that I reach out and touch someone elses life and each day that I surrender to my own will and embrace my purpose.
I shut the light back off and without hesitation walked back to my room thankful that even in the midst of darkness He brings me His marvelous Light!
I pray this video blesses you. Take a moment and let God speak to your heart: Broken into Beautiful http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YDPEOAXTthI
Psalm 139: 1-18 (NIV) For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
1 You have searched me, LORD, and you know me. 2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. 3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. 4 Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely. 5 You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. 6Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? 8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. 9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, 10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. 11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” 12even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. 16 Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. 17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God! How vast is the sum of them! 18 Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand— when I awake, I am still with you.