“I am not sick!” This was words of my 11-year-old last night. It was 5:45 p.m. on a Friday night and he was dead asleep in his bed with covers to his chin. This my never stop, keep moving, athletic 11-year-old. This my don’t want to stop long enough to eat, need to be outside doing something 11-year-old. “I am fine mom, I am fine! ” He sounded a little scratchy when he left for school and by the time he came home he had pretty much lost his voice. He crawled in his bed on his own accord to watch some t.v. and when I called for dinner and received no response I found him knocked out. He insisted all night that he was fine. No voice and no energy but he was “fine”.
I learned a long time ago that when I say I am fine I usually am anything but. I say I am fine when I am really hurting inside. I say I am fine when I am trying to convince myself or others that I have everything under control and there is nothing to worry about. Usually when I say I am fine I am really Frustrated, Insecure, Neurotic And Emotional (I am not the creator of this acronym). This state of “fine” usually involves be bottling up emotions, feeling like it is all my fault, becoming anxious and overwhelmed and ends with a major emotional melt down.
Since my goal right now is to move out of the “fine” stage and into the total healing stage I am doing a lot of reflecting and studying. I can not change the past but I can learn from it as to not repeat my behaviors. I can not change how people treat me but I can set boundaries and refuse to allow others actions to move me into the “fine” stage. I am learning that as I address the things that make me “sick” and pay attention to the symptoms instead of stuffing them away or hoping they go away, I am able to really be free from them. What starts as maybe a little area of discomfort can be addressed and something bigger is then avoided.
I have been handing my boys vitamins all week. Trying to have them eat right, drink lots of water, get plenty of rest and stay away from the sick people. I have been proactive in trying to keep the germs away. I have to do the same in my own life. Not just physically but emotionally and mentally and spiritually. I know I can not control everything but I can make wise choices that will help me stay emotionally and mentally healthy too. I can stop stuffing and avoiding and do the hard work of dealing. I can realize that I have a voice and feelings and they matter. In doing so I move from being “fine” when I am anything but and can start being free!
My son woke up this morning and he was feeling much better, praise the Lord!
I woke this morning and had a chance to tell someone how I was really feeling instead of saying I was fine. It felt so good to say what I really was feeling instead of what would make things easier for them. I needed them to know I was not fine. I needed to reclaim my voice and be free.
Psalm 31:4 The Message (MSG)
my cliff to climb.
Be my safe leader,
be my true mountain guide.
Free me from hidden traps;
I want to hide in you.
I’ve put my life in your hands.
You won’t drop me,
you’ll never let me down.