I am struggling today. It seems as if I am stuck in this place fighting off contempt. I asked for this though. I asked that as these things happened the Lord would help me uncover the under laying junk that stands in the way of freedom. So today, I am struggling. I am trying to understand something I do not think I will ever understand. I am trying to find a way to express myself so that I can be understood. I might as well be beating my head against a brick wall. (A brick wall that I have been working so hard to take apart….UGH)
Then it hit me. I am going about this all wrong. I am wasting time and energy focusing my attention on trying to fix something that doesn’t want to be fixed. (I know I am being vague but I am trying to navigate my emotions today without offending anyone. )
This year is about projects. About fixing and creating and purpose and making old things new and about so much more than that even. So like any good project there has to be a project manager. That is me! I recognize very clearly the old walls that need to come down. I have begun the hard work of gutting, of stripping away the rotten wood and heavy bricks. I have identified the areas that need attention and I have defined a plan. I have days where the work is easy and then there are days like these. These are the days that are strung together where I have to do the hard work of getting to the root of the problem.
I have resentment. I keep laying it down and picking it up (reminds me of that stupid commercial on t.v. where body builder says in his best Arnold Schwarzenegger voice ” I pick things up and put things down, I pick things up and put things down, thus my choice of picture today.) It is almost embarrassing to write that again today I am struggling. It is hard when dirty looks, snide remarks and hate are radiating in my direction. It is hard not to scream, ” any clue what I have done for you?” ( Heaven help me!)
I spent about an hour tonight beating my hammer against said “brick wall” just to sit back and watch the dust settle and realize that it was still standing in the same place. So I need to get a grip. Re focus. Some things are clearer now. Some things are just not in my control and some things are. I have to set new expectations and concentrate on the things that are good instead of waiting for something to happen and attitudes to change when that is out of reach. I have to stop justifying myself and simply be the person I am called to be. A mother to my children and a wife to my husband. My obligation is to the things God has called me to.
Instead of praying for tougher skin or for a miracle that would then involve others to desire change, I need to focus on the things that God has already shown me. Be the best me I can be. In those moments I will find freedom.
So I have a new perspective on my situation and on the guy in the commercial tonight. Like him, I keep picking things up and putting them down. Seems to me he became pretty strong picking things up and putting things down. Maybe I need to look at it differently. The times I have picked things up and put them down have actually made me stronger. They have allowed me to learn even in painful times. Maybe I need to take what I have learned and apply it to the here and now along with the new things I have learned since I started this project. Might still hurt but it will be progress and maybe as my focus changes I will see results. Results that only God can bring.
No pain no gain right?