Inside my head

Day 135 Project  365

There are times I can get very caught up in emotion and trapped inside my own head.  I find myself so carried away in thought and worked up over what I assume to be true or what I know to be true.   I don’t like those times but I am daily learning to apply truth.  I have to apply quite often the lessons I have learned when faced with things or people who trigger that knee jerk reaction in my mind.  Last week was just that kind of week.  As I struggled through trying to figure out my place and wrap what I was feeling up into a neat little package with a pretty little bow I was reminded that it was okay to have my feelings.  I don’t always get it right.  I get angry and upset, jealous and hurt.  I have a hard time trusting, especially those who have hurt me before.  Mid week a  friend shared a story we both lived and I felt it. That suffocating feeling as if it was happening again right at that moment.  Then later in the week when faced with some pretty hateful stuff I was taken there again.  To that place where I just wanted to scream and be vindicated.  It was as another  friend shared a story on forgiveness that I realized that I might always struggle and that is okay.  That is what makes me human.  I might repeat myself on the pages of this blog and that is okay.  It too means I am human and the thorn in my flesh might not be the same as someone else’s and how I handle it might not be what another person would do but that is okay.  I am me and as long as I am making steps in a positive direction and learning and growing and changing then it is a good thing.  As I sat listening to an acquaintance share her story this weekend I just sat and nodded.  She didn’t really want to hear the truth and that was alright by me because I knew I wasn’t to share. I just sat and listened and prayed and listened and thanked God that even though I might never get resolution, an apology, treated with respect or the truth that I have done the right thing and I can hold my head high.  That doesn’t mean it isn’t going to hurt or that I haven’t really forgiven it just means I am human and I have a continued need to climb into my heavenly fathers lap and find assurance that no weapons fashioned against me will prosper.

With that being said I received a card this weekend from an unlikely source.  At one time it wouldn’t have been a surprise.  As I read the card over a flood of emotions came to mind.  I had to guard my heart from relaxing, I didn’t want to get hurt again.  On the other side I wanted to be hard-hearted and raw.  As I placed the card to the side and went about my day I did only what I know has been working for me.  I offered up to the Lord the one who left the card and the relationship it represented and represents.  With that prayer I let go of any expectations and I asked the Lord to guard my heart from hurt and from hardening.  I knew the right thing was the balance in the middle.  I can not find that place at this time with certain relationships.  I have to surrender that area quite often.

I guess I write all this to say that it is okay for me to feel what I feel.  I have to remind myself that the experiences I have had are very real and very much a part of who I am today.  Others might think my continued struggle means I haven’t truly received healing, given or received forgiveness, moved on or grown up.  I am sorry.  Really and I say that with no sarcasm.  I can’t help how that makes others feel or what that makes others think or the judgements they cast.  What I can do is continue to learn and acknowledge what has happened, what is happening and seek out the purpose and plan for my life through Christ, not only for myself but for my relationships too.  I can not make anyone come to terms with what they have done, who they were, are or continue to be.  All I can do is change me.

So I accepted the card with a thank you.  I left my expectations and wounds and moved on.  It is a new day.  It is a new week.  I am smarter than I was before.  I can let go but I also won’t pick up.

One step at a time………….



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