Archive | August 2012

Default

Day 243 Project 365

My stress relief is cleaning!  I actually love cleaning.  I love the feeling of accomplishment, the fresh smell, the organized space.  I love everything about cleaning, reorganizing, rearranging.  I am pretty OCD for the most part but there are those areas where I clean and organize and in no time at all they are junked up and I am frustrated all over again.  Hours of cleaning and sorting just to throw things back in cabinets and so much for everything its own space and place. With the best laid intentions of keeping everything neat and tidy I make sure others in the house know where everything is and what is expected.   As I was searching for a pan last night it hit me.  This whole DEFAULT setting thing.  I can clean and clean and clean my kitchen.  I can organize it down to the smallest detail.  Yet, if I get so hurried that I just this “once through it in there” I am reverting right back to my default.  I might have a fleeting memory of the hard work I put in to get this place clean but really the default of just get it put away somewhere and worry about it later takes over.  Before long I can tell that I am not the only one in my space (kitchen) doing the same thing.  Recipes spill from the cabinet, pots and pans fall out at my feet and the cabinet that isn’t closing right ends up like a jack in the box as it spills all over upon further investigation.

My point-

My life is the same way, in lots of areas.

Get personal-

I will be doing so good on my eating and making healthy choices.  I will have chopped and packaged up and made sure everything is ready for a great start and it does start well.  Then there is the day I wake up late or don’t feel like packing my lunch and the next thing you know I am having the “oh just this once through the drive through won’t hurt” conversation with myself.  My thinking really hasn’t changed and all the prep work and shopping in the world won’t help if I don’t change my stinking thinking.

I will be doing really good and working on changing my heart and not assuming or being reactive then he will say something or she will make a snide remark and I am back like a bullet gun loaded and ammo ready to let them know what they have done to hurt me.

I do really good letting go of my past and then in a moment something will happen that has nothing to do with me but some how it feels like it is my fault and the feelings of guilt and failure will suffocate me.

So as I searched for the pan I needed last night and made a mental note that I really need to gut my kitchen again and reorganize, I asked myself a hard question:  What exactly is the point?  I have cleaned it literally hundreds of times before.  What will be different this time and what in my thought pattern needs to change so I stop just throwing things in there “just this one time because I am hurried”?   I do know is that this week God is showing me some stinking thinking that has resulted in some really whacked out default settings.

Work to be done-

YES! LOTS!  I was drinking my coffee this morning and realized just how much work really there is to do.  In not only my life but in my relationships as well.  I have a default setting that is really broken.  It is not healthy nor is it Godly.  I could sit and share at least a dozen times ( I almost typed a lower number but wow that wouldn’t be honest) this week alone that I have found myself in a situation and all of a sudden I am defaulting back to some whacked process of rationalization.

It is a journey.  It is not about perfection but like I shared yesterday in my notes “Once you change the default settings and you have a new normal there may be moments where you find yourself typing in your old font.  And if you find yourself typing in your old font the devil will come along and say you haven’t been changed.  This is how you know you have changed.  It is not that you might not mess up and do what you used to do, it is that it is no longer your normal, you aren’t always doing what you used to do.  And when it is no longer your normal you wont go back to it like you used to because  the moment you get out of the situation you change back into who you are supposed to be.  Both the pig and the sheep can fall into the same mud.  The pigs default is to  like the mud but the sheep’s default is different.  The sheep says I don’t belong in this mess.  I might be in it but I do not belong in this mud.”

Today I am more aware of the broken places in my defaults, in my thinking and the need for changing my mind.  I do not think I have ever been more aware of the fact that all the best laid plans are for nothing, all the motivation is for nothing if I have not changed my broken thoughts, my thought patterns, my mind.  I have a lot of work to do to dig through the wounded past and really get to the root of these lies.  For now, I am changing my mind.  With every thought that comes my way I am redirecting and retraining and moving in a new direction.  I am realizing in a new way how every, EVERY action has a reaction, a consequence.  There is no such thing as just this one time when it could mean life or death, healing or hurt, fear or freedom.  It really is that simple.  Changing my mind is one thought at a time, one action at a time, one right choice, removing one bad decision to remove a life time of bad habit.  It is about this second and then all the seconds will add to minutes and then hours and then days and months and years of change but it has to start with my default.  I have to stop letting myself go back to “that place”.  Lots of work to be done!

Yes, my cabinets will be addressed this weekend.  It might just be time to purge and get read of the old and overwhelming.  It is time for a changing of my mind!

There is nothing as powerful as a changed mind!

Day 242 Project 365

There is nothing as powerful as a changed mind.

That is the title of my blog and the title of the message I listened to from TD Jakes this past Monday. (click on it for the service- stick with it and get to the message you won’t be sorry)

SO my blog today may be a little lengthy in that I want to share with you where I am but also my notes and thoughts on this message that, as I have listened to it over and over again, has started to change me on the inside. (my default settings)

My life is not unlike others.  I struggle with all the same things.  It hasn’t been easy but, who ever said it would be!  This past few years have been especially difficult and I have shared on many occasions on various things touching my life.  Even as I type this I can feel myself “beating around the bush” trying to figure out how to share without giving too much detail.

HERE GOES-

When I started into this past weekend I knew that by weeks beginning my life circumstances would be completely changed.  For a host of reasons my marriage would be over and my life would be changed.  Bitterness and hatred had crowded their way into lives- even mine.  Blame had taken over and lines had been drawn. I was exhausted, hurt, tired, and sick.  Although I was able my desire to do it again was gone.  The last thing I remember saying to my mom and friend was I am done, apart from a miracle it won’t change.  My thinking:  I am willing to take responsibility for what is mine but if others are set to continue to make it all me I just can’t.

After a Saturday from hell- emotionally and mentally, I resigned myself to the fact that come Sunday we would be done. I had been praying a dangerous prayer for a few weeks, GOD expose what is in the heart, what is kept secret and do whatever it takes, one way or another, to make a change.  I had an uneasy feeling for several days I couldn’t shake to the point of being physically sick.  I asked my parents and a few close friends to pray.  No details really, just asked for prayer.

Back up to Friday night.  My husband asked if there was a conspiracy theory.  Had I put people up to calling him.  NO- I assured him I had no part in that but I had asked people to pray.  People that I know if prompted by the Holy SPirit would do what they thought they needed to do.  So after a long talk and a lot of tears I went to bed.  Saturday he was gone.  By mid afternoon I knew that his time alone to think was not going to end well.  There are so many factors- step parenting and all, just the tip of the iceberg.

Sunday a.m. before the sun came up he was home, sitting on the bed with tears in his eyes.  You see some where on Saturday night I resigned myself to the fact I couldn’t change it.  I AGAIN gave up control or the illusion I ever had any to begin with.  Somewhere in the night I feel asleep.  Somewhere in the night, the Holy Spirit was continuing his work in my husband and for the first time my husband sat and shouldered what before had been all mine to “own”.  As I listened to him share I cried.  For so long it has been all my fault.  For so long it has been the easiest thing to blame me.  I had owned it and became so bitter.  I had allowed hate to take root so deep.  Here sat my husband telling me how much he loved me, couldn’t imagine his life without me and acknowledging the good things I have brought to him and his daughters.  Promising to make real changes, asking forgiveness and loving me.

We talked for a few hours and I went to church with my son Kody.  When I got back we talked some more.  All day we discussed and all day he took more ownership of things I had said previously would be a miracle if I ever heard.

I have to be honest, I had started looking for another place to live with my boys.  I had started preparing myself mentally for a change.  I knew GOD could do anything but I also knew that after so many years of blame, it was never going to happen apart from a miracle.

So here I sat Sunday afternoon with my husband asking me to sit with him as he told his daughter he wasn’t leaving and as he shared his wrongs and made things right.  She hasn’t been in our home all summer.  This wasn’t going to be easy.

We set some wheels in motion this week.  Both of us.  I feel as if I am walking on a sheet of ice at times.  I listen for the cracks and groans beneath my feet.

Monday night I opened my Facebook to see the message there is nothing as powerful as a changed mind.  My first thought was WOW my husband sure changed his mind.  I am being asked to change mine. So I clicked on the link and listened.

The journey GOD took me on that night lasted into Tuesday morning as I sat and listened to the message again and again.
No part of what we are going through is easy.  GREAT change is required from everyone in this house and around us.  I am having to reset my thoughts many times a day as I struggle to let go of the past and change my mind.

Below are my notes- as I listened to the message and started to understand why I keep retaking the test.  Why I seem to repeat the same things over and over.

You can change everything but if you do not change your mind the same experience will perpetuate over and over again because even if everything outwardly changed if nothing inwardly changed nothing will change.

Make straight paths for my feet- Get it together!  Dont let my brokenness get me off the course of my destiny.  I have to let it be healed.  Some people refuse to recover.  I have to let it be healed.  It is over.  I can’t change it! I can’t fix it! I tried to fix it on my own and it doesn’t work so I have to let it go!

I have to let it be healed.  I have to LET it be healed.

It seems the sick would want to be better the hurt would want to be made whole.  Net everyone wants to be healed.  Sometimes my outer actions say one thing and my inner convictions say something else.  Well thou be made whole or are you happy being sick?  DO you enjoy being sick?  Are you happy being miserable.  Being ill we can do whatever we want to do and blame it on how we grew up.  That becomes our excuse for our bad behaviors.  We always make it an excuse.  We can always make it someone elses fault.

Work on your relationships with all people.  Follow peace with all men. And holiness.

If I don’t do these things I wont see it- I wont see what God has for me if I don’t get myself together.

Root of bitterness- sins of the heart.  Things I can’t see.  Things that get in the heart and destroy.  They will spoil you.  You might have the gifting, talent, education but if your attitude is wrong you will always be spoiled by your own attitude.  Your attitude will corrupt opportunity life offers.

We need 2 scrub brushes-

1 scrubs the hearts, attitude and dispositions.

Troubles make us better or bitter- look at what is growing in my heart- maybe I say one thing but think something totally different.

I allow myself to be contaminated by that small thing I just refuse to get over.

Sins of the flesh.  What I do with my body, my mouth.  Flesh makes decisions that my head has to live with.

Sooner or later there are 3 things that have to be budgeted in my life: power (influence), money, sex (my body).

Dont be stupid and allow myself to make a permanent decision based on a temporary situation.

Dont give away the next 30 years for the next 30 minutes.

This TOO shall pass.  The enemy offers the trick,but really it is the stupidity that you have to look out for.

The crisis of being caught in a system of doing something you can not escape.  Trapped to repeat the cycle doing the same thing over and over and we can not get out.  Some of us get stuck in stupid.  Despite of our desire of change and not be able to do it!  Very frustrating.

The inability to correct the pattern of the wrong decisions.

I am stuck. In a pattern.

Repentance-to change your mind my pivoting direction.  It is not an ideology or a notion.  It is radical and change of mind that affects behavior.  These are the BIG directional changes. IM going the wrong way and if I don’t make a huge change I will loss my future.

Seeking a change of intelligence with a lot of emotions does not equate to change.  Tears don’t mean an indication of any change on the inside at all.

If you go on a computer. They have default settings.  Any program has a default.  The default sets into the computer that no matter if you deviate or not the computer will take you back to default.  Once you exit the program, without changing the default, it wont matter what you did  it will take you back to the factory default.

This is how most people live their lives. Their default hasn’t changed.  They go to church and yet walk out the door and nothing has changed.  You can cry and plead and shout but when you get back home you go back to default.

When you go back to yourself you are stuck in the same pattern as you were before.  You cry and pray and beg and sing and go to church yet I still keep going back to the same default.

Until I change my default I will continue to go back to my default because I despite changing everything else I didn’t change my mind.

NOTHING as powerful as a changed mind. NOTHING is as powerful as a changed mind.  NOTHING!  NOTHING! NOTHING!

One day you got sick and tired of being sick and tired and change your mind.  Today I am tired of being sick and tired.

I HAVE CHANGED MY MIND!

The devil can’t do anything to me.  Life can’t do anything to me.  People can’t do anything to me.  It doesn’t matter what I have done, how little I am, who they are, what they say.  There is NOTHING as powerful as a changed mind.

I am not going to fall back into the same type print I was before.  I have CHANGED my mind!

IM GETTING READY TO CHANGE SOME DEFAULTS.  I’m changing the settings so I can have a new normal!  REPENTANCE=A NEW NORMAL.

Whole family has been in the same default settings.  Just because the same last name doesn’t mean I have to stay in the same settings.  I am getting ready to change my default.  The only way off welfare.  Change your default settings.  Only way to get a good education.  Change your default settings.  Go into your phone booth spin around and change into Clark Kent and say I am not taking this no more.  Change your default settings.

Better than strong emotions is a decision.  I dare you to make a decision.  If you make a decision it might not even have any emotions in it at all.  The prodigal son was in the swine pen and all of a sudden he changed his mind.  The pigs couldn’t hold him, the pen couldn’t hold him, the disgrace couldn’t hold him.  He changed his mind and went home!

Once you change the default settings and you have a new normal there may be moments where you find yourself typing in your old font.  and if you find yourself typing in your old font the devil will come along and say you haven’t been changed.  this is how you know you have changed.  it is not that you might not mess up and do what you used to do, it is that it is no longer your normal, you aren’t always doing what you used to do. and when it is no longer your normal you wont go back to it like you used to because  the moment you get out of the situation you change back into who you are supposed to be.

Both the pig and the sheep can fall into the same mud.  The pigs default is to  like the mud but the sheep’s default is different.  The sheep says I don’t belong in this mess.  I might be in it but I do not belong in this mud.

Once you change the default life can make you worry but faith will rise up and drive your worry back and say but GOD is able to do exceedingly above all I can ask and think.  FAITH says you  are better than this.  FAITH says GOD has brought you through too much to let you go now.  We might fall into sin or trouble but we don’t wallow in it or stay in it.

The battle ground between right and wrong, GOD and the enemy, between success and struggle, between right and wrong,  your destruction or your destiny is in your mind because in your mind is your default settings.  As a man thinks in his heart so is he. If you don’t change it in your head you can’t change it in your life.  It has to change in your head or it wont change anywhere else.  Losing weight, faithful and committed, going after the job, being honest and true- it has to start with a change in your mind.

As long as all the things I can’t do or can’t be or am not good enough for are in my mind as my default settings I wont accomplish anything I need to CHANGE My mind- and change my defaults.

One day when she changed her mind the beatings stopped.  One day when  he changed his mind the drugs lost their power.  One day when she changed her mind the food lost its pull.  One day when he changed his mind the job becomes doable.

There is nothing as powerful as a changed mind.

The devil doesn’t mind you coming to church, singing in the choir, preaching, if you do good things and quote scripture.  The devil only minds if you change your mind!

Our circumstances and culture all around us affect our default but culture is nothing over CHRIST.  There are some things that have been planted in me that have been encouraged to grow, that never should have been.  Am I willing to allow a new truth to be planted in place of past experiences and there by change my mind or will I be imprisoned by weakness, ignorance or fear, not because I want those things but because I am unsuccessful at changing my mind?

Once I change in my mind people might do the same things that they used to do but I focused in my mind to respond differently.  Anything I focus my mind on I can change.  I am the only one that can change that.  I have to CHANGE my mind. I don’t have to be anything I don’t want to be if I ever decide to change my mind.  Cry all night wont change nothing.  There is something in my life I don’t like, patterns I don’t like,  the power lays in a changed mind.  I can repent and change my mind or I can die because I wont change my mind.

I have to build myself up, initially I have to fight hard to establish a new normal.  I have to put on the full armor of GOD!

Yesterday

Day 238 Project 365

Ever been so afraid that panic threatens to take the very breath that keeps you alive?  Ever gripped something so hard the blood leaves your fingers and your knuckles turn white?  Ever had that sinking feeling in your stomach that something is desperately wrong?

I am walking and moving through this space right now.  I have been here before- the definition of insanity yes- but I can never seem to free myself.  I repeat and give chances and cling to what I think is the right thing to do.  I want to know- be fully aware- have hard facts and proof.  Then, I think that maybe there is hope.  Maybe I am wrong.  Maybe it is more me than I realize.  Maybe it is all in my head.

So for now I pour my heart out in an intimate conversation with my heavenly Father.  A plea of sorts, that the truth be brought into the light, that I see clearly and fully- completely.  That this dance stop and if it isn’t going to change- I want off the ride.

I own my part and sometimes parts that are not mine to own.

This time I want it to be different.

I have no desire to be played the fool. I have no more strength to white knuckle the bar.  I want to be free from that sinking feeling.  I want to be able to exhale and inhale without waiting for the other shoe to drop.

SO full of love

Day 237 Project 365

 My son and his beautiful bride.  Now Mr. & Mrs. What a beautiful wedding.  My heart is so full.  Several times throughout the day Monday I found myself at a loss for words.  I found myself looking at my children and my heart was so full.  I looked around at my family and my new family and realized how blessed I am.

What a roller coaster of emotions I have been dealing with these past few months. Yet to stand in that place on Monday evening, to be surrounded by people who genuinely love me and my kids, there is not words to express what that feels like or means to me.  And as person after person came up to me and told me what a great job I did raising my kids and express how wonderful they are- THANK YOU!  Thank you, for your words spoke right to my heart.  IN that space were people who have wounded me with their words so deeply but to stand amongst them and hear words of affirmation and praise and genuine love- it freed me.  It freed me to be able to forgive, or at least start the process.

I am so thankful.  I am so thankful for my family.  My friends.  The gift God give me each day as He pours into me so many wonderful things.  I am so thankful for this journey.  I am also thankful that my ex husband made the trip to see our oldest son marry.  I pray that spending time with his great children and seeing the amazing people they are will heal hearts and change lives.  There was even healing for me in that.  Despite the things that have been said I have done a great job and I know that by looking at my kids. And despite of all the things said I forgive him.  I watched him sitting across the room and although I didn’t verbally speak the words I released the hurts and freed myself from the past in that moment.

A new chapter has begun and I am excited to see what GOD has in store for us.  I am excited as my son and daughter in law start a new family, a new chapter in their lives.

God knew what He was doing when He allowed me the honor of being a mom to these 5 kids.  I am so blessed. Thank you for loving me and caring for me.  I am so blessed each day by you.  I am so proud of you! There are so many wonderful things ahead of you!  I pray God directs your steps and that you fully realize who you are and who HE created you to be.  I pray bold prayers over you! 

 

 

Wedding day is upon us

Day 232 Project 365

WOW.  I am just getting home from wedding rehearsal.  Okay, so as we are driving down the road to the venue I see the pastor and his wife walking into the building and I start crying.  I am starting to think I should have splurged for some waterproof makeup.

I sat looking around the room while we were walking through the ceremony.  I looked at my handsome sons so tall, so grown.  My Nikolas saw my tears welling up and his soft smile and sweet wink let me know it was okay.  Kris standing strong beside his brother and my sweet Kody and Brett.  My beautiful Karissa, so radiant and so stunning standing beside our Amanda, my sons bride.  It is hard to believe I am at the day that my son will start his own family.

I am so proud.  So honored.  So full of love and such peace.  There was never a time I wanted to be anything more than I wanted to be a mom.  I can not imagine my life without my children.  I cannot imagine what a day would be like without knowing their love.  I have so many wonderful memories and I am so thankful for the many that are left to be made.

So tomorrow is going to be an amazing day.  Tomorrow I grow my children by one.  Tomorrow I take on a new daughter and her amazing family.  Tomorrow is going to be a beautiful day.

Two becoming one

Day 231 Project 365

In two days my oldest son will marry.  Monday, August 20th is their 4 year anniversary and my Nikolas will marry his Amanda.  Wednesday evening they came over for some dinner and for me to give Amanda a gift. Almost 22 years ago we dedicated Nikolas in church.  He wore a small bonnet on his head.  A bonnet that, when the corners were snipped, would one day be a small, simple handkerchief for his bride to carry dow the aisle on their wedding day.  As I pulled out the small bonnet a flood of emotions and tears.  I remember so clearly sitting in my grandmothers rocking chair in Nikolas’ nursery rocking my brand new baby boy.  I remember the long talks Nik and I would have as he was a baby.  He would stare at me with big blue eyes as I rocked and nursed and promised that he and I would be this close forever.  As I prayed over my son day after day, night after night, year after year, I watched as he has grown into an amazing man.  He has the most tender, compassionate heart.  He loves me despite of my flaws.  He always has.  So as I handed this little bonnet to Amanda I couldn’t help but feel a full range of emotions.  This is my baby. My Nikolas.

I love you my precious son.  I love you more than words can even express.  I love the man who you are.  I am so proud to be your mom.  I pray that God will continue to speak to your heart.  That you seek Him and that you grow into the position in this world He has for you.  That you fulfill all the things HE created you to do.  I pray to for you my sweet Amanda.  I always have.  From the time my son was small I prayed for the girl who would one day be his wife.  I prayed God would protect and keep you, strengthen you and your parents for the job of raising you to be a mighty woman.  I pray that God will direct and guide you in all that you do.  That He will show you who you are in Him.  You have my sons heart.  I pray that together you will always remember who you are.  As you start your life together I pray for the family you are about to become.  I know great things are in store and even greater blessings.  I love you both so much.  On Monday, your two will become one.  Two are strong.  Yet, a cord of three can not be broken.  Weaving God into your lives, seeking His will and direction strengthens you daily.  You were both created with a passion and a purpose.  Seeking that together strengthens you.  Pray for each other.  Help each other.  Talk, and even more important, LISTEN!  Encourage each other to grow and challenge each other to live out your passion and purpose.  Never give up.  Never let the sun go down on your anger.  Look for ways each day to show each other just how much you love each other.

This morning as I look through this memory box I am filled with pride and joy.  My little boy has become a man.  My family is growing.

God is so good!

Bonus – Ripping off the sticky tape

Ever been in the hospital?  You know that really sticky tape they use to adhere tubes and such to your body?  It is so sticky when you pull it off you completely expect to see bone under the tape where your skin used to be!

I seem to like to use that kind of “tape” on my reoccurring “wounds”.  You know, the “wounds”  that you rip open over and over again.  The ones were you think you have gotten over something, think you have forgiven, think you have moved on and taken the high road just to find out that you really didn’t and have to rip off the bandage and deal with this festering wound again.

Every time I think I have dealt with my un-forgiveness I realize I didn’t completely.  Or maybe it is that I did and just picked it back up like some badge of rights.  I mean, honestly, when I have those heart to heart moments with the Lord where I realize that I need to surrender the hurt and the pain and the past I really do totally lay it down.  I feel so much better.  Cleansed in a sense even.  I change my perspective and start retraining my brain.  I start reaching back out and trying to get back to “normal”.

Maybe there in lays my problem.  To be honest, I am unsure.  Maybe, the truth is I have no clue what to do once I surrender those hurts, the past, the pain.  I don’t want to “wait for the other shoe to drop” but time has conditioned me to wait for it.  I don’t want to assume.  I don’t want to trust.  I mean, I start out wanting to trust but then…..

They define insanity doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.  Yet, we are called to forgive.  We are called to let it go and leave it with God.  We are called to apply grace.

Take The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant

21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me?   Up to seven times?”

22 Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.[g]

23 “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like   a king who wanted to settle accounts   with his servants. 24 As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold[h] was brought to him. 25 Since he was not able to pay,   the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold  to repay the debt.

26 “At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ 27 The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.

28 “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins.[i] He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.

29 “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’

30 “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31 When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.

32 “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33 Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ 34 In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

35 “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”

I totally get this. I totally understand.  Yet I fall short.  I find myself picking back up the offense and, GULP, lots of times I find myself mad at someone elses for doing the very same thing I did, even though they don’t realize I did it.

OUCH- that is the ripping the sticky tape off the wound moment.

Maybe the healing comes from total wound care.  If I only treat the surface, the part that is seen, the part that is someone elses fault or problem, well then I am not getting to the part that is unseen, where the hidden bacteria lurk and linger.  I am in a sense applying sticky tape back to the half-healed wound and expecting a different result, then mad when it hurts like hell to rip it off. Mad even that I have to rip it off.  Mad at someone else for making me have to rip it off like they are the ones that somehow put it there.

I was forced to deal with some wounds I would rather have go away this week.  They won’t go away if I continue to ignore the real deep issues.

Truth- I don’t forgive. I don’t even like!  I don’t want to forgive as a result.  I wear this un-forgiveness clothed in the list of reasons I should never have to deal with them again.  I wear it as a badge of rights.  My right to ignore and hate.  I am being so real when I say I hate. I do.  I can taste it and I can feel it.

So here I am.  I have picked at the edge of this sticky tape again.  I didn’t want to.  Trust me on that.  I would be content for it to continue to look dirty and nasty and just wear a long sleeve shirt so I, and you, can’t see it.  Well, I say I would be content but, truth is that won’t last either, proved by the fact that the Holy Spirit started prompting me on this wound care problem again this week.  (Direct result of earlier mentioned LORD do whatever it takes prayers).  So as I sit and pick at this edge I can already see the hair being removed under it.  OUCH!  Running water over it doesn’t help.  Nothing is going to make it easier.  Nothing is going to keep it from hurting like hell.  Yet once removed, nothing else will look as clean as that section of skin.

That is where I want to stop the dance.  The dance where I two-step around the sticky tape (and the wound underneath), bow to the task and then rip away.  Just to waltz around until I think it’s better and start the two-step again.  This time LORD, I want a new song.  I want and need you to show me, whatever it takes, show me how to let this hate go.  To let this un-forgiveness go.  Am I justified?  I mean really, I can state my rights and reasons yet, you know that already.  The case can be debated for me and against me just the same.  SO you are going to have to help me out here.  I am tired of this flesh-eating bacteria called un-forgiveness. I am tired of drinking this poison called un-forgiveness and expecting “them” to die.  (not literally, although go away so I never have to see you again I have prayed- truth be told)  I know I have misplaced anger as well as very pointed anger. That has to go to I am sure, though I have to admit I have a deep desire to not let it go for fear “their” behaviors will be ignored.  UGH- Lord help me.  I am asking that as I rip off this tape you finally heal this wounded woman.  This wounded little girl.  And by the way Lord, even as I type this I do NOT want to pull this tape.  I am patting back down the edge and the wheels in my brain are trying to figure out how to back pedal out.  HELP ME!  Help me learn and see and understand.  Help me not to be played or play the fool.  Help me do a new thing.  See clearly and understand fully.  PLEASE!  Teach my wounded heart.  Set this captive free.