At the end

Day 218 Project 365

I wish words could explain that horrible feeling in your mind when you know you are on the verge of slipping into something so dark you might not be able to recover.  When things around you just keep coming, and coming and seem to encompass every single fiber of your world.  I wish that it could be described so that I could make sense of it or explain it or find a way to rid myself of it.  Yet, like wave after wave pounding the shore, it keeps coming. It could care less.  It is a shaky place.  A place so dark and painful and overwhelming.  I have been here before and I know that I am dangerously close to a place that almost took my life.

It seems like I will never wake up and if I do I will never escape.  It is like a dream that is so real you spend the next day trying to shake it from your mind.
It isn’t just one thing. It is so many.  And I know, I know the enemy of my soul is rejoicing.  A place I promised I would never go again just waits for me to let go of that little thread I am holding on to and fall.

So I shut down, shut out, drown in a breathless and anxious state.  I try to deal with out dealing to make it through just one more moment.  I hear and see but don’t really.
I am painfully aware of every mistake, every wrong choice, every poor example and misstep. Where I know others choices are theirs to make I also know the sting of living in their consequences.  I know the sting watching my past play out and knowing had I done things differently the outcome might not be the same.  I am tired. I wish to shake free and clear my mind.  Across my bed I cry out, scream, weep till the point of physical sickness.  I know there is only one true peace.  I know that peace that passes all understanding because I DO NOT UNDERSTAND-100% understand NOTHING.  I struggle. Really, nothing at this point makes a lot of sense.  It just comes punch after punch and I sit back feeling like the joke is on me.  Then the lies, roll through my head and pierce my heart.  There is some truth but so many lies.

So I wait.  I pull back and I shut down.

I hold on to the truth and I force that truth upon the lies.  I am holding on to the love and light and joy and I am thankful for the life my children inspire in me.

For now I am here in this place where so many things are touched my this deep hurt, wounded pain.  Though my mind screams enough, just be done, my heart goes on.  Pain and all, I know that a greater day has to lay before me.
I might not be strong. I might be stupid for repeating.  You might see clearly what I need to do or say. I am where I am and believe me when I tell you, for today, this is all I can do, to just stand.  I just want to be understood, to understand, to stop hurting, to heal, to be happy.

My heart cries out for God to help me.  Please, please heal my broken heart.  Please heal these broken places.  Please show me CLEARLY the lies surrounding me.  Please, leave no stone unturned.  Please expose darkness.  Please save what the enemy threatens to devour.  Please help me fight even for my next moment.  Sustain me and uphold me.  It is only in you that I can make it through.

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5 thoughts on “At the end

  1. Leslie, you and I are in a very similar place. I actually have an appointment tomorrow, I think I may be bipolar and probably have been my entire life, with the big ups & downs. Think I’ve been in denial, but I’m ready to face the truth because I know I need help and healing. You are on my heart and please call if you need anything. We need to unite and support each other, at least that is my thought. I LOVE YOU!

  2. What is going on? Call me: 704-234-8126. Whatever it is, I have probably been there. I have laid in bed with my fists clenched tightly or crammed into my pockets so I wouldn’t do harm to myself. I know that feeling well. We can support each other!!! You are not alone. We love you very much.

  3. Leslie the most I can give you at this time is my prayers. I pray that you reach out and clench God’s hand, and that He pulls you through this deep dark hole. I love you sweetie!

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