Day 238 Project 365

Ever been so afraid that panic threatens to take the very breath that keeps you alive?  Ever gripped something so hard the blood leaves your fingers and your knuckles turn white?  Ever had that sinking feeling in your stomach that something is desperately wrong?

I am walking and moving through this space right now.  I have been here before- the definition of insanity yes- but I can never seem to free myself.  I repeat and give chances and cling to what I think is the right thing to do.  I want to know- be fully aware- have hard facts and proof.  Then, I think that maybe there is hope.  Maybe I am wrong.  Maybe it is more me than I realize.  Maybe it is all in my head.

So for now I pour my heart out in an intimate conversation with my heavenly Father.  A plea of sorts, that the truth be brought into the light, that I see clearly and fully- completely.  That this dance stop and if it isn’t going to change- I want off the ride.

I own my part and sometimes parts that are not mine to own.

This time I want it to be different.

I have no desire to be played the fool. I have no more strength to white knuckle the bar.  I want to be free from that sinking feeling.  I want to be able to exhale and inhale without waiting for the other shoe to drop.


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