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Day 243 Project 365

My stress relief is cleaning!  I actually love cleaning.  I love the feeling of accomplishment, the fresh smell, the organized space.  I love everything about cleaning, reorganizing, rearranging.  I am pretty OCD for the most part but there are those areas where I clean and organize and in no time at all they are junked up and I am frustrated all over again.  Hours of cleaning and sorting just to throw things back in cabinets and so much for everything its own space and place. With the best laid intentions of keeping everything neat and tidy I make sure others in the house know where everything is and what is expected.   As I was searching for a pan last night it hit me.  This whole DEFAULT setting thing.  I can clean and clean and clean my kitchen.  I can organize it down to the smallest detail.  Yet, if I get so hurried that I just this “once through it in there” I am reverting right back to my default.  I might have a fleeting memory of the hard work I put in to get this place clean but really the default of just get it put away somewhere and worry about it later takes over.  Before long I can tell that I am not the only one in my space (kitchen) doing the same thing.  Recipes spill from the cabinet, pots and pans fall out at my feet and the cabinet that isn’t closing right ends up like a jack in the box as it spills all over upon further investigation.

My point-

My life is the same way, in lots of areas.

Get personal-

I will be doing so good on my eating and making healthy choices.  I will have chopped and packaged up and made sure everything is ready for a great start and it does start well.  Then there is the day I wake up late or don’t feel like packing my lunch and the next thing you know I am having the “oh just this once through the drive through won’t hurt” conversation with myself.  My thinking really hasn’t changed and all the prep work and shopping in the world won’t help if I don’t change my stinking thinking.

I will be doing really good and working on changing my heart and not assuming or being reactive then he will say something or she will make a snide remark and I am back like a bullet gun loaded and ammo ready to let them know what they have done to hurt me.

I do really good letting go of my past and then in a moment something will happen that has nothing to do with me but some how it feels like it is my fault and the feelings of guilt and failure will suffocate me.

So as I searched for the pan I needed last night and made a mental note that I really need to gut my kitchen again and reorganize, I asked myself a hard question:  What exactly is the point?  I have cleaned it literally hundreds of times before.  What will be different this time and what in my thought pattern needs to change so I stop just throwing things in there “just this one time because I am hurried”?   I do know is that this week God is showing me some stinking thinking that has resulted in some really whacked out default settings.

Work to be done-

YES! LOTS!  I was drinking my coffee this morning and realized just how much work really there is to do.  In not only my life but in my relationships as well.  I have a default setting that is really broken.  It is not healthy nor is it Godly.  I could sit and share at least a dozen times ( I almost typed a lower number but wow that wouldn’t be honest) this week alone that I have found myself in a situation and all of a sudden I am defaulting back to some whacked process of rationalization.

It is a journey.  It is not about perfection but like I shared yesterday in my notes “Once you change the default settings and you have a new normal there may be moments where you find yourself typing in your old font.  And if you find yourself typing in your old font the devil will come along and say you haven’t been changed.  This is how you know you have changed.  It is not that you might not mess up and do what you used to do, it is that it is no longer your normal, you aren’t always doing what you used to do.  And when it is no longer your normal you wont go back to it like you used to because  the moment you get out of the situation you change back into who you are supposed to be.  Both the pig and the sheep can fall into the same mud.  The pigs default is to  like the mud but the sheep’s default is different.  The sheep says I don’t belong in this mess.  I might be in it but I do not belong in this mud.”

Today I am more aware of the broken places in my defaults, in my thinking and the need for changing my mind.  I do not think I have ever been more aware of the fact that all the best laid plans are for nothing, all the motivation is for nothing if I have not changed my broken thoughts, my thought patterns, my mind.  I have a lot of work to do to dig through the wounded past and really get to the root of these lies.  For now, I am changing my mind.  With every thought that comes my way I am redirecting and retraining and moving in a new direction.  I am realizing in a new way how every, EVERY action has a reaction, a consequence.  There is no such thing as just this one time when it could mean life or death, healing or hurt, fear or freedom.  It really is that simple.  Changing my mind is one thought at a time, one action at a time, one right choice, removing one bad decision to remove a life time of bad habit.  It is about this second and then all the seconds will add to minutes and then hours and then days and months and years of change but it has to start with my default.  I have to stop letting myself go back to “that place”.  Lots of work to be done!

Yes, my cabinets will be addressed this weekend.  It might just be time to purge and get read of the old and overwhelming.  It is time for a changing of my mind!

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