Archive | September 2012

Addicted?

Day 251 Project 365

Here I sat for hours last night.  Perfectly still. Trying with everything in me to hold my cell phone and the charger cord just right so my phone would get some connection and charge.  It is so broke, I know this, but surely if I just sit very still it will work.  I even prayed for my stupid phone.  I laid in bed with a master plan to be at the sprint store the moment they opened, have them charge my battery and then go back before they close to charge me up again.  I would do that today and tomorrow and once more Monday morning and then survive until the new phone arrives Monday afternoon.

I thought that was quite normal until I watched all the people around me in the store clinging to their phone.  One lady even crying that her life was in that phone.  Literally- she was crying.  I walk outside and see a mom and her two kids all on their phones sitting around a table with their lunch not talking, texting.  I look in the parking lot and the three cars in front of the store all have people sitting in them, all on their phones.  Some talking, some with headphones, some texting or something.  None really connecting.

I think we are addicted to being connected without being connected.

I decided against the plan of having them charge it twice a day until the new phones arrive.  I have dropped off my battery and they are charging it but I will not go back before the new phone arrives Monday.

After all, I am not addicted to my phone, am I?

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Change

Day 250 Project 365

I was on my way back from Lynchburg one night.  I had made the trip several times before and knew my way.  I was driving along and listening to the radio, drinking my coffee, cruise control on.  It was dark, probably about 10:30 at night when things stopped looking familiar.  I knew I had missed a turn.  The roads I knew I should be on by now were no where in sight. Of course, if you have traveled that area you know there is nothing.  It is farm land and a few houses and shops sprinkled along the way.  I kept driving.  Turning around at this point might mean hours of back tracking with no guarantee I would recognize where I should turn or where I had made my mistake.  My plan was simple, just continue forward until some road sign showed me where I was or where I needed to be.  Finally about an hour later I saw a sign.  I was heading into the mountains or to Washington DC and needed to detour around so that I could get back on the interstate that would lead me home.  What would have been a 3 1/2 hour trip would be 6 but I knew where I needed to go, FINALLY!

It is simple to go through the motions.  I have done this same thing before.  I get on an auto pilot of sorts.  One thing I am learning this week is that in changing my thinking, my mind, I can not allow myself to be on auto pilot.  The cruise control can’t be engaged.

This is taking work.

Sunday I had a melt down of sorts.

Well, in reality I had one…no sorts about it. I spent so much time trapped in my own head I couldn’t even stand it.

Monday brought some clarity of mind and I was able to digest what I had been thinking and feeling and share were needed.

Bottom line for me- I know this road.  I have been there before.  What I was not paying attention to was the changes.  Subtile as they may be the landscape does change.  I have to change my thinking. Not all change is bad.  Not all change will fail.  I can go along thinking I “know” my way when really that might be my problem all along.  It might take me so far out of my way that I feel panic or fear.  It might be a huge inconvenience that could have been avoided had I paid attention, had I not been distracted.  Then there is the chance that I am just going along, nothing is changing but I am comfortable and complacent, for a while at least.  Maybe I am ok with the chaos. (GULP) At least I know what to expect and how to “deal”. A lot to process and think about.

By Tuesday I was able to take a deep breath, swallow hard and walk myself through what I needed to do.  A head knowledge had to become a heart knowledge and I needed to back track a little to right my course.  I won’t say I have done this completely but, with grace I have started to make the turn.  I am paying less attention to where I went wrong and missed my turn and more attention to the course I need to take to get where I am supposed to be. Instead of defaulting and going back like my mind likes to do, I am attempting to correct course and keep moving forward.

I will keep you posted……………

Here we go

Day 244 Project 365

Today the year is 2/3rds over.  WOW.  And so much yet to be done.  I looked at my list today of things I had hoped to accomplish and I, um, well….I have lots to do.

Where I am today:

The last few days have been an emotional roller coaster as I struggle to constantly change my default settings.  It is hardly as easy as it sounds.  None the less I am moving forward one moment at a time.  I have had a series of headaches for four days now.  It has been awhile since I have had a cluster of them like this so I am sure it is stress/enemy related.  That is okay I am doing what I can and pressing on.

Tonight I had a mini melt down.  Earlier in the week we had a talk with my oldest step daughter and her father informed her of his decision to stay in our marriage and require her to come back home. That is such a nut shell description because really he said some amazing things.   Lots of emotions and days later, tonight she has come back.  Not willingly but she is here.  Before he left to get her I struggled to speak. I asked him if we could please pray together because every part of this will be hard.  Every part and many people want nothing more than to see this fail.  He totally heard me and even prayed exactly what was on my mind. I wept.  He leaned down and said he is trying to think my thoughts, be in my head, understand.  I wept some more.  He drove off and I crawled on our bed and wept.  I have no idea what the world is going to happen.  I have struggled all day not to assume this will not work, to play out different situations in my head and try to retry my brain how to respond/react.  My head is pounding and I just want to take a deep breath and be “normal”.  I lite a candle and ran a hot shower.  I cried some more.  In my spirit I heard the Lord speaking to my heart.  He is greater than this and He is in control, if I let Him be.  I have to trust.  (It is hard Lord, I have done this so many times before)  Yet this time trust me with a new mind, a changed mind, a new way of thinking.

I am listening!

He has brought me too far to leave me where I am and if I trust and have faith in where He is leading me I will not be let down.