Change

Day 250 Project 365

I was on my way back from Lynchburg one night.  I had made the trip several times before and knew my way.  I was driving along and listening to the radio, drinking my coffee, cruise control on.  It was dark, probably about 10:30 at night when things stopped looking familiar.  I knew I had missed a turn.  The roads I knew I should be on by now were no where in sight. Of course, if you have traveled that area you know there is nothing.  It is farm land and a few houses and shops sprinkled along the way.  I kept driving.  Turning around at this point might mean hours of back tracking with no guarantee I would recognize where I should turn or where I had made my mistake.  My plan was simple, just continue forward until some road sign showed me where I was or where I needed to be.  Finally about an hour later I saw a sign.  I was heading into the mountains or to Washington DC and needed to detour around so that I could get back on the interstate that would lead me home.  What would have been a 3 1/2 hour trip would be 6 but I knew where I needed to go, FINALLY!

It is simple to go through the motions.  I have done this same thing before.  I get on an auto pilot of sorts.  One thing I am learning this week is that in changing my thinking, my mind, I can not allow myself to be on auto pilot.  The cruise control can’t be engaged.

This is taking work.

Sunday I had a melt down of sorts.

Well, in reality I had one…no sorts about it. I spent so much time trapped in my own head I couldn’t even stand it.

Monday brought some clarity of mind and I was able to digest what I had been thinking and feeling and share were needed.

Bottom line for me- I know this road.  I have been there before.  What I was not paying attention to was the changes.  Subtile as they may be the landscape does change.  I have to change my thinking. Not all change is bad.  Not all change will fail.  I can go along thinking I “know” my way when really that might be my problem all along.  It might take me so far out of my way that I feel panic or fear.  It might be a huge inconvenience that could have been avoided had I paid attention, had I not been distracted.  Then there is the chance that I am just going along, nothing is changing but I am comfortable and complacent, for a while at least.  Maybe I am ok with the chaos. (GULP) At least I know what to expect and how to “deal”. A lot to process and think about.

By Tuesday I was able to take a deep breath, swallow hard and walk myself through what I needed to do.  A head knowledge had to become a heart knowledge and I needed to back track a little to right my course.  I won’t say I have done this completely but, with grace I have started to make the turn.  I am paying less attention to where I went wrong and missed my turn and more attention to the course I need to take to get where I am supposed to be. Instead of defaulting and going back like my mind likes to do, I am attempting to correct course and keep moving forward.

I will keep you posted……………

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