Archive | October 2012

Wings

Day 296 Project 365

For three days I have tried to blog.  I have words crowding my head but, sometimes there is no safe way to express what it is my head and heart want to say.

Today however I woke from a dream so real it took hours to shake it from my head.  It was as if everything I had been working so hard to fix was undone in a breath.  In my dream I was yelling at myself, “What are you doing????”  I woke up with a sense of panic.  Deep breathe it was only a dream.    Left behind was a resolve so intense I could almost touch it.  I have talked myself through many an obstacle these last few months.   I am in a place I have never been before.  I am comfortable in my skin.  I know I have said it before but, something is very different this time.   I am learning to see things in a light I had only before known existed but never walked in.  I know the truth and trust me it has been what has guided me and set me free. It is more than words can express.  It is a combination of several “something’s”.  In this place I have been given wings!

When I was little I used to love making mosaics.  Ripping apart colored paper into tiny pieces and pasting them on a clean sheet of paper to create a masterpiece. (Okay, I am no artist but, in my little mind they were works of art!)  Those tiny pieces of paper left lying in a pile are nothing but trash.  To the OCD clean freak like me they are frustrating to say the least.  Yet given a chance, each little scrap makes a difference.  Each color in just the right place creates the big picture.  I am reminding myself that all the little scraps along the way, even the ones with the edges so rough I cannot begin to see how they will fit or be useful are necessary.  If I discard the things that hurt I miss out on the victory.  If I over look and ignore the lessons I repeat I am sure to take the test again.  If I sweep things up I might just find I threw away the missing piece.

I was reminded this weekend that the things that have touched my life are useful and necessary and not everything is about me or for me.  Some of the things in my picture are for someone else.   There are things we go through that make no sense, that have no rhythm or reason.  There are things that we cannot see or explain or comprehend.  There are things that touch our lives we are so not ready for.  We don’t see the bigger picture and I believe that is a good thing.  I tend to get in my own way.

I know this might be an all over the place blog today.  Hang on…I’m closing!

I know for me today is a new day. Today is a day that I can be so fully alive and look back without pulling forward the pain.  I can see what happened and what is happening and let it go.  I am free to let it be exactly what it is.  I do not own what is not mine.  REALLY- I am not! That is huge. I have no guilt and no shame.  I have dealt with that and moved on.  I am free.  It is a day that I can walk through some rough stuff still and know that it is what it is.  It might hurt and all together inhale briskly but, it too has its purpose.  NOTHING is without purpose.

I have no idea what tomorrow holds, or even this afternoon for that matter.  I know what is touching my life and the lives of those I love and I know that there is a lot that is unsettled.  For me to walk through and be able to place things where they need to be, to let go of what I cannot change or hold or the things that are not mine to own equals being free.   I am challenged today by a new sense of purpose, of love and passion and direction.  I am moving in a new direction and I am so free.

I love my new wings.  I love that I can fly…………..

Advertisements

RED PEN

Day 292 Project 365

I have always loved writing. English has always been my favorite subject. My favorite teachers were almost always my English teachers ( minus one in High School). Then came college. My 2nd English professor had a serious addiction to her red pen. She would mark through sometimes I think just to mark through and the notes down the margins of our papers were sometimes longer than the body of work she was editing. One day as I sat staring at a paper that was no longer black and white but riddled with red I just couldn’t take it anymore and scheduled to meet with her. She was very matter of fact as we started talking and began to explain that the red marks are needed. A good writer is cultivated and the red marks are the places where the weeds need to be pulled. I remember thinking I have some weeds for you to pull but, I listened. After a long talk and the assignment to take what we had discussed and apply it I went back to work on my paper. Turning it in the next class I was pretty sure she had her red pen in hand as she took it out of her inbox. About a week later she stood in front of the class and started this speech on the cultivation of a good writer. That she had few in her class she would classify as such in her 30 some years of being a college professor. She went on to say that when a paper speaks to her heart and she is moved it is one she submits on to anyone that will appreciate it. With that she asked me to stand and the very paper she butchered had been adorned with a gold star and a A+! She asked that I read my paper aloud to the class and that I give permission to allow her to submit my writing to various publications that she had listed on the release form.  Did I still get papers back with red marks, yes.  I hated red pens every class every professor however, my perspective had changed.  She had pushed my buttons so many times. There were days I didn’t even want to write. I didn’t see what the point was and I was losing faith I could do it and do it well. Had I given up and quit and dropped her class I wouldn’t have grown as a writer and I dare say as a person. The rest of the class was amazing. She would still mark the crap out of my paper but, she would also challenge me in her notes and encourage me. She even invited me to share her journal and from there I got to see a glimpse into a woman very much like me.  She was still matter of fact and rough and gruff but, she was teaching me.

I share that story today because I realized something this past few days.  Some days my life feels so flooded with red marks. Some days I feel as though everything I do is full of mistakes. Some days I feel like the story I am writing is all wrong, will not make sense or have a point. Some days the “teachers” in my life have their red pen ready to riddle me full of red ink. Some days I forget that the red marks are necessary. The teachers in my life, good, bad or otherwise are all there for a purpose. They all have a part in my story. In cultivating me to be the best me I can be. Through trial, error, joy, laughter, sorrow, pain, purging and stretching. They perfect in me and challenge me and bring me to a place where I am fully me.

Today I am writing in red ink. I haven’t used a red pen in ages but this morning as I penned in my private journal it was in red. A reminder that in all I do I am able and I will succeed.

Seeing clearly

Day 291 Project 365

There is this thing that happens.

When Kris was about 4 years old I started to notice that he was having trouble with his eyes.  His preschool teacher called me one day and said she was noticing it too.  After a doctor’s appointment I learned that he had a muscle disease in his eyes and needed glasses.  I will never forget the day we went and picked up his new glasses.  After we left the eye doctor I had made plans for a fun-filled afternoon to allow him to concentrate on all the things he loved and not his fear someone would laugh at him.  We pulled up in front of his favorite place to eat and he realized for the first time ever there was a face on the sign.  He pointed it out and I realized at that moment he had been missing out on seeing so many things.  They were there but a blur to him.  That day my son was able to see- really see – all that had been surrounding him all along.

My life is like that right now.  Something happened and something clicked.  It wasn’t just one thing but a bunch of things working together and in a moment everything became clear.  Might sound silly to some but for me, it has been life changing.  It is not something I can really put my finger on or even describe so you can have a clear picture.  It is something that has been happening in me.  I do recall the day, about 4 weeks ago when the blur started to lift and things became clear.  It was mid way through a conversation and all of  sudden it was has if the fog lifted and even though I knew the place in which I was standing a sense of newness washed over me and it was as if I was being introduced to myself for the very first time.

For some that will make no sense and I wish there was a way for you to touch, taste, feel, understand but I am starting to think it is a deeply personal experience that is serving to change forever the direction of my course.

Stronger than ever

Day 288 Project 365

I am reminded this morning of where I was and hear me….

I will NOT go back!

I am FREE and I am alive.

Nothing- NOTHING!  Understand- NOTHING will keep me from a strong walk forward.

I am FREE and FULLY ALIVE!

It is something that with ever sense in my being I know.  I love where I am right now inside of myself.
I have been away for a while now but I am back and stronger than ever.

This is so not about just one thing.  It is about a collection of moments, memories, experiences, people, places and things.  It is about truth and clarity.  It is about vision and purpose and it is about realizing that I know who I am, what I want and where I am going.  I know exactly the things I have been called and designed to do.  No more playing in the pointless.  It is a new day and I am very much aware of all that is around me.

Moving forward….stronger than ever.

 

 

 

For the first time….I believe it!

Day 287 Project 365

It is the middle of the night…….well it was when I started trying to write.  Insomnia invited itself for a sleep over, minus the sleep.  Tonight, there was no shutting off the thoughts racing through my mind.  I am completely okay with that.  I walked outside into the cold crisp night, prompted to look straight to the heavens and into the starry sky.  Deep breath in.  I love the smell of fall in the air and I love the stillness of this night.  Exhale!  In this quiet space I feel so content.  Another deep breath and tears streaming down my cheeks I realized something….for the first time, I believe it!

Not everyone gets it. Gets me. Understands. Not everyone sees through the years and what it has cost and what it took, what it  almost took.  Not everyone knows the chains that have bound so tightly.  Not everyone does, nor does everyone need to.  It is okay. I am me, doing the best I can to be me!  And today I understand…I didn’t get it before but something has been changing.  I believe…

I am free.

Free to believe it.

I am free to believe today that I am so very worth it.  I have so much to offer far above what benefits one or the whole.  It is bigger than something you can touch or see.  It is about being free. Really free.  Eyes wide open.  Breathing in deeply every word and fully understanding the meaning attached to them.  I believe you!  When you call me beautiful, when you say I add value and I am important.  When you appreciate the things I do and you take the time to sit and have coffee and listen and cry and pray with me and for me.  I believe you when you smile that smile, when you wrap your arms around me and tell me you love me mom!  I believe you when you say you understand, that you will always be there and never let me fall.  I believe you as we do life together.  I believe you through the laughter and the tears.

For your encouragement and friendship and love and support and for the inseparable bond of family for never stopping praying for never letting me down for always believing in me when I had all but given up and for when I gave up and wanted to lay down for praying me through to life again for the ways you make me feel alive and loved and beautiful for the moments that I will cherish forever for the memories the laughs and cries for the I love you’s and all the things that have been and will be and for not seeing me as my mistakes but celebrating all the good things for acknowledging them and for walking boldly through this with me….. I love you and you all know who you are.  You are not in my life on accident. Not a single one. You were handpicked for me.  God knew I would need you at each step along the way.  I am thankful for the safe place you have let me rest my head, my thoughts, my fears, my failures and my dreams.  My hopes and dreams and so much more are as much a part of who you are in my life as anything.  I am different because of you.

I am awake not just physically but every single part of my being and I am loving it.  I don’t see what I used to and for those that still see that I am sorry for you!  I can not be who you need me to be.  For now you see…..I BELIEVE IT!

 

 

 

 

Being Set Free

Day 286 Project 365

I sat shivering wishing you could really “freeze your butt off” last night at the ball game watching my son play and lost in complete thought, so much so that four innings passed and I couldn’t even tell you the first thing about the game.

I am lost, lost in this thing that is happening inside my brain and in my heart.  I am lost but so amazingly found. I wish I could explain it.  Call it what it is yet I can not.  It is for ME.  Right now it is completely for me. The best part, I am okay with that.  I am finding a peace and a sense of purpose in just knowing that what it is is a gift.  A gift I have needed for a very long time.  One I don’t have to try to figure out or make fit into some particular space.  It is not about the rightness or wrongness or the why’s or how come’s.  It is just about being freed.  Freed from a long time hold that has kept me accepting things that I never should.  It is another step in the right direction, unconventional maybe but it is amazingly wonderfully liberating.

I know another vague blog that is totally going to make no sense to must but for me it is penning words to this exciting feeling.  There is power in the written word and when it does nothing but set you free to fly that is totally okay.  I need this space. I need this today to free my mind and move throughout all the things I need to accomplish with an amazing sense of newness and belonging.

So for today I am feeling more alive then I think I ever have before.  Everything looks different, most importantly I look different.  It is as if my senses are completely new.  How amazing this new sense of passion and purpose, desire and strength is becoming.  It is moving me, in so many ways, spoken and unspoken, seen and very private.

Amazing when things fall into place, nothing is by accident.  Not the people or timing or circumstances that touch our lives.

Being set free……..

Fully Alive

Day 284 Project 365

I have no real excuse.  No real excuse that it has been 33 days since my last blog.  A project that I promised myself would not skip a beat.  Yet here I am 33 days, a whole month and I haven’t penned a word. Well, I have, just not on here.

Over the course of the last month so many things have been changing.  Things in my public and personal life.  Mostly things in my heart and in my mind and on that very personal note, I have penned them to the wind. I have written the deepest thoughts of my heart and mind and set them free.  Hoping yet, praying.  For the course of my thoughts has not always been truth as I have always understood it but then again it has set me free.  I know for most this blog will make no sense but it is my humble attempt to set my course.  It is my way to express the things that I need to without really saying them.  I know the power of the things pulling at me on the inside.  I know the draw of the thing that is setting me free.  I can taste it, touch it and am overwhelmingly drawn to it.  SO close yet so far away.

I walked along the surf the other night, all alone. Toes digging into the sand. Water rushing up and washing away the things that I thought I knew.  I watched as the sun set and begged that this feeling not go with it.  Knowing that chances are it’s already gone.  Hoping in something far greater than I can comprehend.

Oh I have prayed.  I have sought. I know.  I speak.  I can completely articulate that which is holding me together. I know the end even as I am just beginning.  I am learning and living and yet holding my breath.

This is a new place.  One I will hold to my heart. One I am not yet ready to completely explain. One I am not yet ready to completely release.  Chances are I never will.  I have surrendered to the fact it is far larger than me. I may be wrong Yet, I am very much fully alive.

With just a word, a smell, a touch, a taste.  Things are not as they once were and I am fully alive.