It is the middle of the night…….well it was when I started trying to write. Insomnia invited itself for a sleep over, minus the sleep. Tonight, there was no shutting off the thoughts racing through my mind. I am completely okay with that. I walked outside into the cold crisp night, prompted to look straight to the heavens and into the starry sky. Deep breath in. I love the smell of fall in the air and I love the stillness of this night. Exhale! In this quiet space I feel so content. Another deep breath and tears streaming down my cheeks I realized something….for the first time, I believe it!
Not everyone gets it. Gets me. Understands. Not everyone sees through the years and what it has cost and what it took, what it almost took. Not everyone knows the chains that have bound so tightly. Not everyone does, nor does everyone need to. It is okay. I am me, doing the best I can to be me! And today I understand…I didn’t get it before but something has been changing. I believe…
I am free.
Free to believe it.
I am free to believe today that I am so very worth it. I have so much to offer far above what benefits one or the whole. It is bigger than something you can touch or see. It is about being free. Really free. Eyes wide open. Breathing in deeply every word and fully understanding the meaning attached to them. I believe you! When you call me beautiful, when you say I add value and I am important. When you appreciate the things I do and you take the time to sit and have coffee and listen and cry and pray with me and for me. I believe you when you smile that smile, when you wrap your arms around me and tell me you love me mom! I believe you when you say you understand, that you will always be there and never let me fall. I believe you as we do life together. I believe you through the laughter and the tears.
For your encouragement and friendship and love and support and for the inseparable bond of family for never stopping praying for never letting me down for always believing in me when I had all but given up and for when I gave up and wanted to lay down for praying me through to life again for the ways you make me feel alive and loved and beautiful for the moments that I will cherish forever for the memories the laughs and cries for the I love you’s and all the things that have been and will be and for not seeing me as my mistakes but celebrating all the good things for acknowledging them and for walking boldly through this with me….. I love you and you all know who you are. You are not in my life on accident. Not a single one. You were handpicked for me. God knew I would need you at each step along the way. I am thankful for the safe place you have let me rest my head, my thoughts, my fears, my failures and my dreams. My hopes and dreams and so much more are as much a part of who you are in my life as anything. I am different because of you.
I am awake not just physically but every single part of my being and I am loving it. I don’t see what I used to and for those that still see that I am sorry for you! I can not be who you need me to be. For now you see…..I BELIEVE IT!