For three days I have tried to blog. I have words crowding my head but, sometimes there is no safe way to express what it is my head and heart want to say.
Today however I woke from a dream so real it took hours to shake it from my head. It was as if everything I had been working so hard to fix was undone in a breath. In my dream I was yelling at myself, “What are you doing????” I woke up with a sense of panic. Deep breathe it was only a dream. Left behind was a resolve so intense I could almost touch it. I have talked myself through many an obstacle these last few months. I am in a place I have never been before. I am comfortable in my skin. I know I have said it before but, something is very different this time. I am learning to see things in a light I had only before known existed but never walked in. I know the truth and trust me it has been what has guided me and set me free. It is more than words can express. It is a combination of several “something’s”. In this place I have been given wings!
When I was little I used to love making mosaics. Ripping apart colored paper into tiny pieces and pasting them on a clean sheet of paper to create a masterpiece. (Okay, I am no artist but, in my little mind they were works of art!) Those tiny pieces of paper left lying in a pile are nothing but trash. To the OCD clean freak like me they are frustrating to say the least. Yet given a chance, each little scrap makes a difference. Each color in just the right place creates the big picture. I am reminding myself that all the little scraps along the way, even the ones with the edges so rough I cannot begin to see how they will fit or be useful are necessary. If I discard the things that hurt I miss out on the victory. If I over look and ignore the lessons I repeat I am sure to take the test again. If I sweep things up I might just find I threw away the missing piece.
I was reminded this weekend that the things that have touched my life are useful and necessary and not everything is about me or for me. Some of the things in my picture are for someone else. There are things we go through that make no sense, that have no rhythm or reason. There are things that we cannot see or explain or comprehend. There are things that touch our lives we are so not ready for. We don’t see the bigger picture and I believe that is a good thing. I tend to get in my own way.
I know this might be an all over the place blog today. Hang on…I’m closing!
I know for me today is a new day. Today is a day that I can be so fully alive and look back without pulling forward the pain. I can see what happened and what is happening and let it go. I am free to let it be exactly what it is. I do not own what is not mine. REALLY- I am not! That is huge. I have no guilt and no shame. I have dealt with that and moved on. I am free. It is a day that I can walk through some rough stuff still and know that it is what it is. It might hurt and all together inhale briskly but, it too has its purpose. NOTHING is without purpose.
I have no idea what tomorrow holds, or even this afternoon for that matter. I know what is touching my life and the lives of those I love and I know that there is a lot that is unsettled. For me to walk through and be able to place things where they need to be, to let go of what I cannot change or hold or the things that are not mine to own equals being free. I am challenged today by a new sense of purpose, of love and passion and direction. I am moving in a new direction and I am so free.
I love my new wings. I love that I can fly…………..