Archive | December 2012

This is not the end

Day 366 Project 365
Yes I know, when I started this project I missed the fact there are 366 days in this year.
Today ends the 2012 Project but stay tuned for tomorrow. It is a new day with new direction, new stories, new inspiration.
This year ends with much to be thankful for. I gained a beautiful new daughter and family as Nik and Amanda were joined in marriage in a beautiful beach wedding. I graduated my precious Kristopher and watched as he has continued to grow into a wonderful young man and has ventured out into his own space and a new job. I have watched as my Kody has grown and purchased his first car and has taken on the role of my protector, always making sure I have what I need, that I am okay and making sure to tell me he loves me all the time. Brett has stretched a foot and is changing all the time. He challenged himself this year with wrestling and sticking with it hasn’t always been easy but I am proud of him for trying something new. He has learned some really grown up lessons this year and it is a joy to my heart he isn’t too big for a good cuddle with me. My darling Karissa is more beautiful than ever and this year has been challenging for me as a mom to watch her spread her wings and fly. The one thing I am sure of is this, with all my kids, their foundation and faith will guide. I got a new car and became a grandmomma to 4 little chihuahua puppies. I watched way too many baseball games and eat way too many hot dogs. I helped with laundry and my house became a grocery store. I washed cars and helped pick out new ones. I watched my old bug ride the tow truck more times than I can count. I laughed during family times and cried too. I reconciled with my grandfather before he went to see his Jesus and will cherish those memories forever. I found some wonderful new friends and reconnected with some I had not seen in years. I let go of somethings that were weighing me down. I took a step towards health this fall and dropped about 60 lbs. Still more to go but a quiet start in a great direction. I am in a better place then when I started a year ago too. I have shaken off the heavy bands and tore down some serious walls. Where there is so much left to be done I know this, I have a voice now and I matter now and I no longer have to worry about what makes everyone else happy, sad or mad. I also get to consider those things for me. I get to be me. I am by far perfect. I try to I do my best. Others might not see it as such, may not know me or my heart or my intentions. Maybe they find the need to judge me or read between the lines or try to find some hidden meanings to my look or tone or …..whatever. Yet I am learning. I am learning to humbly approach my life with a sense of purpose, to seek direction from the ONE that already knows the plan, to admit when I am wrong and to never give up. To look back only to learn, to pull forward the memories that bring strength and love and to push forward boldly and never give up.


Somethings change and some stay the same!

coffeeDay 361 Project 365

Sipping my coffee and continuing in a very reflective vein this morning, this after chasing my grandpuppy around to retrieve my sock, threatening to end one dogs life that decided to attack my pant leg and try to convince another to head outside in the rain.  Oh the things in life that make you laugh and realize some things never change.

Then there are the things that have changed significantly.  I look back on my blog history and last year there is 6 months missing.  I remember where I was a year ago at this time. It wasn’t a quick trip or one single event that lead to what felt like the unraveling of my world.  I can almost taste that place, feel it and hear the chaos.  Yet in the next moment I remember how this new journey began.  I remember the truth spoken to the lies that began to tear down walls.  I remember the glimmer of hope that what did not manage to kill me could possibly make me stronger!  It has not been easy nor without set back. Yet for the set backs there have been amazing strides forward.  There has been freedom and victory.  So much has changed and even though a few things remain the same, I am not the person I was last year at this time.  You didn’t know me then. I didn’t pen my words to print.  I was beginning a slow ascent back into the world but with extreme caution.  This year it is different.  It has been a little rough because of things I can not control but none the less I am not the same girl I was.  So for today I will continue my year in review, I will chase this silly dog yet again as he runs pass me with yet another sock.  I will brave the rain and fight the dog.  I will journey on and only look back to glean that which will make me stronger.  2013 here I come.

Merry Christmas 2012- with some nuts sprinkled in

Day 360 Project 365

Merry Christmas.

I find it hard to believe we are here again so quickly.  Maybe it is that I am getting old(er) that time is traveling faster than I can keep up.  I think I say that every year but, this year especially seemed to just fly by.  This morning  started with an excited 12-year-old jumping in bed telling me to get up and call his bros to hurry and open gifts.  No matter how hard I tried to convince this child that normally HATES to get out of bed that cuddling with mom for about an hour would be a great christmas present we made the calls to bro number 1 and bro number 2 as bro number 3 was still snoring in the next room.  Bro 1 said um see you at 9(ish) and Bro 2 said okay but alas fell back to sleep and it took 2 more calls to motivate an appearance. Karissa escaped to Florida for Christmas leaving me for the first time in my 22 years as a mom with a child missing at Christmas.  Yes I protested loudly and yes I lost the fight.  We tried calling her to tell her to hurry home to open gifts but…..voicemail!   A ping-pong table awaited so that kept the boys busy until at least bro 2 (Kris by the way) arrived.  After mere moments all the gifts were opened and that left  me cooking our traditional family Christmas breakfast a little lighter than some years as I only had to make 1 lb of bacon and 2 dozen eggs, along with our pancakes, sausage, egg nog french toast and christmas bread and hash browns.  This year we skipped the fruit and sausage gravy and biscuits.  Bro 1 Nik and wife Amanda arrived and we had gifts again and breakfast.  I had a “be still my beating heart” moment as my Nik asked me to stop cooking for a moment and come into the living room. I just knew they were going to tell me I was going to be a grandma but false alarm, it was just pretty candles.  :O)  My parents and sister arrived later as they do every Christmas morning to see the gifts and this year oh lucky us.  Cousin Eddie from Christmas Vacation showed up.  I should have known when I received a text to open the door for cousin Eddie that something was up.  Here shows my father in ….well here……There are no words. My father is a nut!  Yes, prayers are appreciated.

dad nuts Off we went to mom and dads where we were joined by my sister and brother-in-law and their kids.  My parents prepared another delicious meal of prime rib and all the trimmings.  Straight from their heart and trust me it is a labor of love.  We opened gifts and I even got to “retend” ( a 4 yr olds version of pretend) that I was the flower girl in Princess Addison’s fairy tale wedding to her prince. Erick carried the “rings’, Kody walked her down the isle to her daddy aka prince!   This followed by my father and Addison playing karate where my father decided to karate kick his 4 yr old grand-daughter. ( yes I know I said he was nuts but never has he been violent) I asked Addi if she wanted to play again and she said no and when asked why she said” pa has big feet!” Prayers for Addi would be good too! :O)

What a great day with so many blessings.

As I reflected on Christmas present and past I was reminded that the greatest gifts I received today were not wrapped in pretty paper and tied with a bow.  The most precious gifts to me are my children who bless me every day with thoughtfulness, kindness, and love. My family that is my rock, my solid foundation built on faith and hope and love and my amazing friends both old and new that help me find me and add such great value to my life.

Merry Christmas to you all and may we never forget the real meaning of Christmas and what really matters.

Here I am

Day 356 Project 365

When I started this project- always seems like the first words I think to write when I have missed time!  Then I erase and re write a few times before I can find a way to rest my thoughts on paper with out sounding like I have a thousand excuses for slacking.

For today though I am going to just write- no excuses.  Lots of reasons but no excuses.  Today for me was a deep breath in.  A day to really look back at this year and realize how much I have changed and how much is left to be done.

407189_10200187214147361_374765253_nI wandered through the store last night a little lost in thought but every so often catching a christmas tune, the scent of cinnamon or the sound of a child hoping for just this one more toy from Santa.  I realized where I was last year at this time and for just a moment last night I could feel that same suffocating feeling threatening to take over.  So much is different yet some things remain the same.  One thing I have learned though is that it is really okay.  I no longer feel the need to make excuses for feeling exactly as I do.  I no longer consumed with guilt for things I can not change.  I am no longer feeling like a failure or not good enough.  I am here, a year from where I was and comfortable in my own skin.

Yes I have things on my list that are yet to be done.  Some things that I started and have to finish and others that I have finished but revisit because in those places I have found growth.  I have seasoned my life this year with new experiences and new friends.  I have learned the true meaning of family and I have added to mine.  I have graduated another son and married one to add a beautiful daughter.  I have learned that I can let go and let live and with that not have to rescue.  I have learned that some things are just what they are and I can be okay with that.  I have learned that I do not have to show up for things and that my feelings are MINE!  I have learned I like brussels sprouts with olive oil and bacon!  (What isn’t better with bacon!) I have learned to see ME when I look in the mirror and I am loving the changes that I am making.  I am free from some things that have weighed me down and I have added some things that I have needed for so long.  I have so much to be thankful for and so much left to accomplish.

Today for me is a new breath, a new voice, a new direction.  It is a new chance and a new change.  It is a place to rest and not get lost in what truly does not matter.  I can face the things that cause me pain and not back down.  I can do a new thing and be confident that I will be okay.  I can make choices and I can live with my decisions.

I haven’t even set up my tree.  I have not the first gift.  I have however a heart that is full and things didn’t make it that way!  So for me today I will reflect on that!  On the people who have been the greatest gift for me and as I walk through the last few days of 2012 I hold my head high knowing that I am free and I am me and that is enough!

Finding strength

Day 339 Project 365

I was pouring my coffee this morning and thinking about what makes someone strong.  What gives someone the strength to stand up, to do the right thing, to walk away, to push forward, to continue, to know when to quit and when to fight.

Weeks have gone by yet again.  It is not for the lack of thoughts or feelings to place in this space, yet again it is the inability to find the right words.

So for today it is enough to say I am finding strength.