Here I am

Day 356 Project 365

When I started this project- always seems like the first words I think to write when I have missed time!  Then I erase and re write a few times before I can find a way to rest my thoughts on paper with out sounding like I have a thousand excuses for slacking.

For today though I am going to just write- no excuses.  Lots of reasons but no excuses.  Today for me was a deep breath in.  A day to really look back at this year and realize how much I have changed and how much is left to be done.

407189_10200187214147361_374765253_nI wandered through the store last night a little lost in thought but every so often catching a christmas tune, the scent of cinnamon or the sound of a child hoping for just this one more toy from Santa.  I realized where I was last year at this time and for just a moment last night I could feel that same suffocating feeling threatening to take over.  So much is different yet some things remain the same.  One thing I have learned though is that it is really okay.  I no longer feel the need to make excuses for feeling exactly as I do.  I no longer consumed with guilt for things I can not change.  I am no longer feeling like a failure or not good enough.  I am here, a year from where I was and comfortable in my own skin.

Yes I have things on my list that are yet to be done.  Some things that I started and have to finish and others that I have finished but revisit because in those places I have found growth.  I have seasoned my life this year with new experiences and new friends.  I have learned the true meaning of family and I have added to mine.  I have graduated another son and married one to add a beautiful daughter.  I have learned that I can let go and let live and with that not have to rescue.  I have learned that some things are just what they are and I can be okay with that.  I have learned that I do not have to show up for things and that my feelings are MINE!  I have learned I like brussels sprouts with olive oil and bacon!  (What isn’t better with bacon!) I have learned to see ME when I look in the mirror and I am loving the changes that I am making.  I am free from some things that have weighed me down and I have added some things that I have needed for so long.  I have so much to be thankful for and so much left to accomplish.

Today for me is a new breath, a new voice, a new direction.  It is a new chance and a new change.  It is a place to rest and not get lost in what truly does not matter.  I can face the things that cause me pain and not back down.  I can do a new thing and be confident that I will be okay.  I can make choices and I can live with my decisions.

I haven’t even set up my tree.  I have not the first gift.  I have however a heart that is full and things didn’t make it that way!  So for me today I will reflect on that!  On the people who have been the greatest gift for me and as I walk through the last few days of 2012 I hold my head high knowing that I am free and I am me and that is enough!


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