I tried! Really, I did. The first clue it wasn’t going to work was the second I pulled back the covers and felt cold. The clincher- my feet hitting the freezing cold floor. The vote was cast in mere seconds as I curled back up under the covers and fell back into my blankets. I had big plans for my early morning but, not even the coffee could pull me out. It is so hard on these cold mornings to motivate.
As I was getting ready for work I was listening to the news and they were talking about a study on depression and where a lot of people find themselves this time of year, in a deep depression! From where I sit enjoying my coffee in the morning I can watch the sun rise and today was amazing! I thought of where I have been and the toll the winter took on me a few years back and as I finished my coffee watching the frost leave my window I remembered that after every winter comes a spring. With every death there is new life. I know what it feels like to be in so deep you don’t even care if there is a tomorrow. I know what it feels like to finally come up for air. I know what it feels like to breath in and believe and remember and be set free. I remember because I will never forget. I will never forget because each day I breath in and remember!
I sit here wishing there was a word that could sum up what I feel. There is none that do justice to this thing that has been happening inside of me. Winter is rough and even this one in its infancy has threatened to strike me down yet something much greater came alive in me in 2012. I can see clearly now the rain is gone ( I love that song!) I am in a place where I long for tomorrow yet am very much in today!
Each season has its purpose and even in this place I know there are things that need to find winter and in the next thought I am overwhelmed in a completely wonderful way with the thought of the new life that will come with spring. I long for my long walks by the water and to drench myself in the place that is summer. Best of all, I am totally okay right where I am today! I am finding peace, purpose, passion and so much more.
Listen, my plan was to end there but I need to say this. I have no idea where you are or what has or is touching your life. What I do know is I have been there. I know what it is to hurt and to be so beaten down and wounded and so confused and hurt and feel alone. I know what it is to have so many things crowding your mind that you can’t stand the noise. I know what it feels like to want to go to sleep and never wake up. I know what it feels like to be tired, so tired you just want to give up. I know. I might not have dealt with everything that you have but I know. I have been the wounded little girl. I know what it feels like to believe lies so deeply that they become truth. To wear shame and guilt and regret. To be consumed with remorse and the place where all the blame rests. I know what it feels like to be the scapegoat and to carry a secret. I know. I know what is like to take the blame so someone else can feel better. I know what it feels like to have done things you would do anything to take back.
Yet for all I thought I knew I now KNOW! I know peace and I know truth. I know, really KNOW that there is GRACE, lavish GRACE that is sufficient for me. I am FREE and I mean really free from shame and guilt and remorse. I am not the same girl that I used to be. I don’t buy everything I am sold, figuratively or literally. I am free from the lies that bound me. I am not defined any longer by my past and I refuse to be a prisoner to it. I am not perfect nor do I want that burden. I am me and amazingly enough that is pretty awesome!