Some conversations really should not happen before I have had at least one cup of coffee.
Today is my anniversary! My husband and I have been together almost 13 years and married for 8 today! It has not always been easy but then again no relationships ever are. We are a blended family and that will forever be an adventure. Our relationship has taught me more about addictions than I ever thought I would know. Not only others addictions but my very own! That is for another blog but I think if you read back over my story you find bits and pieces of our testimony mixed in.
So this morning my blog really isn’t about my anniversary. It is about a conversation I had today and my thoughts. Warn ya know, it might be a rambling of things you already know but this is called a brain dump. An attempt to get it out of my head and proceed with my day without drawing a “HERE’S YOUR SIGN” sign and passing it around. (side note: I would have to take my turn wearing it too!)
Here goes. No names or real phrases will be used to protect the stupid and the views and comments to follow are completely mine and if they strike something in you good bad or ugly well….
We as addicts (and I believe we all have addiction issues) are addicted to a whole host of things not all of which have any thing to do with drugs or alcohol in the traditional sense of the words. I like wine but I could careless if I have wine. I have been drunk and done some pretty stupid “here’s your sign” things. I know where that kind of drinking takes me and so it is no longer a part of my life. Others may have a drug issue, illegal, prescribed or other wise. They chase a high or an escape or call it something else to make it okay! Some have a gambling problem. They will take their last fist full of money to get scratch offs or bingo or play slot machines. They will gamble in a different way even by spending like they have it knowing they don’t avoiding the moment and making a problem worse. Then there are those that are addicted to shopping and that could mean a trip to the mall with lots of packages or the UPS or FEDX driver slipping your stuff between your doors while you hide it so no one knows you got another “hit”. Some are addicted to sex and sex at all costs. Regardless of who it hurts and if it breaks a vow or the law. Still for others it is pain. They cut and mutilate their bodies to escape feeling or to feel. Some are addicted to food. It is that temporary yummy feeling followed by this deep sense of what have I done as the number on the scale goes up and your self-esteem plunges. Or the food takes anther twist and is the enemy and no matter how thin you really are you are fat and no good and the game turns the tables on you and you are stick and dying. Some are addicted to people (boy do I know this one) because after all in fixing or worrying about everyone else we get a false sense of who we are and feel better for the moment. We people please and in turn find the exact opposite of what we are looking for because we find we are never enough. And what about chaos? Addiction to the addiction, to the chaos, the never-ending problem! To the fight, the argument, the hate, the past, the memory, the un-forgiveness. When things are going good we are good then out of no where we set ourselves up for failure. Things start looking right and we step a little to close to the edge. We walk away from one slippery slope and when another appears dressed in a different “dysfunction” we know we shouldn’t do it but tend not to care because it fills some momentary need we have and thus signals the addiction we have to chaos.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over. We expect a different result and get none!
We end one bad relationship. We stop the pills. The drinking. The lying. The sneaking. We address the issue. We get help. Go to meetings. Find God. Start a new.
Then something happens and in that moment we start to slip into that “only one won’t hurt me” and whatever it is starts to have a hold. No maybe it isn’t the same “DRUG OF CHOICE!” but still, what was feeling good and new and right for the first time starts feeling “off” and we have to make justifications for it, we have to sneak or hide or look over our shoulder or even argue with our selves so we believe in our own minds that what we are doing is okay or not hurting anyone or justified. We had a chance to break a generational curse but now we packaged it in something different. We are crazy if we don’t think others our watching, especially the children. If allowed to continue we start to withdraw and things change. The “well at least I am not “fill in your old addiction” comments have now gone away because you have a new one. You have replaced one for another and expect a different result or someone to approve of it or allow you to justify it so it will be okay.
So, and I will speak for myself, when I ask you if what I am doing is wrong and you know it is wrong it is okay to tell me. When I ask you if I should do what you know sounds like the right thing to do it is okay for you to tell me. If I think and proceed to come up with excuses to keep myself in a place that is not right it is okay to say “well then, Here is your sign!.
And if I do ask someone if something is wrong and they say yes they feel it is I can’t get mad. Chances are they are right and if I am honest I already knew they were right even before I asked. If what I am really looking for is someone to justify and agree with my choices well then I should go find an addict that is in that same place because misery loves company. If what I am really looking for is accountability and I have found it then I can’t get mad. I may not like the way the truth rests in my ears and then penetrates my head and heart but then again, I knew that too didn’t I.
We taste freedom and what the hell is it that keeps up going back like a dog to our vomit. Finally start to get our lives back together, break the hold, get the free pass AGAIN and no jail, get a chance to do over with our families, our children. Get the new job and a driver’s license back. Get out of debate and don’t have to file bankruptcy. Get out from under the bookie and pay off the loan. We finally start losing weight and feeling better. We get a glimpse of healthy and freedom and then………………..BAM.
NEWS FLASH: The grass may be greener now but it could be painted to look that way. They have weeds over there too! They seasons will change and the grass will die. There is no fairy that waters, mows, edges and trims. If that grass is real then someone has to be doing something. GET REAL!
So today is about avoiding the BAM! It is about hearing the truth and finally figuring out how to let it set you free. It is about seeing with your eyes wide open that every action has a reaction. And once you step, well, what happens next could save your life or take it.
PERSONALLY- I have had 2 cups of coffee now and a great conversation were I had to do some eating of crow which tastes horrible by the way. I was ushered away for speaking a truth I myself needed to hear.
Time to step and towards LIFE!
Maybe you are in a place today you don’t even know where to start. I want to share some links with you:
Great song about Letting GO!
In Hampton Roads Virginia contact RECOVERY FOR LIFE
This blog today has run circles around my heart and my mind and I know the enemy of our souls wants to make us feel alone, defeated, worthless and like no one can possibly understand. It is in getting us to isolate and justify and give up that he thinks “he has us right where he wants us”. So if you are reading this today and you need help or prayer or someone to listen or some one to help you find a resource to finally step toward LIFE please message me and let me know. I pray that like has happened to me today God speaks to your heart and even if you don’t know what His voice sounds like you will be moved to make a step toward life.