I have been chewing on yesterdays message from TD Jakes.
Listen. I used to think something was wrong with me. I bought into the no grace concept that if I didn’t get freedom the first time something was wrong with me. I wasn’t really saved. I didn’t really know Jesus. I didn’t really want it bad enough. I was a “sinner” unrepentive. It took a while but I broke free from the lies of that mess and I know not everyone is free on the first touch. I will even tell you that there are some things I struggle with that I believe I might always struggle with, not because God can’t take this thorn from my flesh but, because I would tend to think “I got this now!” and need Him a little less mindset might creep in if it was gone.
Make any sense? I might be wrong but I also know there are things HE did take from me but I walked back into the city. I stepped back into the same crap different day and out of His covering. I walked right out from under His hand, His plan and His will. I know it! I even jumped the whole time looking back saying out loud, I know I shouldn’t do this but….
Ever since yesterday afternoon I have been battling myself. The knowing that I have to walk out of “Bethesda” yet again. I stood in the middle of my back yard (by now my neighbors already have it figured out I am sure- I am nuts!) having quite a conversation with myself. I find speaking words out helps them lose their power so I needed to get this crap out. There are things, things I have said and things I hold on to and wrong types of wishful thinking that are keeping me from seeing clearly. Keeping me from being fully free to move forward in the purpose He designed me for.
GOOD GRIEF LESLIE- what were you thinking? Maybe that enough was enough. That it was my turn. That I deserve this. That the moment mattered more than the mission. I know but I don’t know. What I do know is I jumped. Both feet forward, well down really, into a mess and in turn took a detour knowing full well it was the wrong way and that it would cost me more than I could afford to spend to find my way back to the right way!
So today, the fingers point at me. ME ME ME and only ME.
And even in knowing all this, I am still arguing doing the next right thing???? HOLY CRAP girl. What will it take?
I know the answer. Total rhetorical question.
(Disclaimer: I have asked Him over and over to do whatever it takes to get me where I need to be and now as I know that prayer is coming again this time I think I need to add the AND KEEP ME THERE part. Buckle up yet again, this could be a bumpy ride! I know I need Him to unclutter my life. I know I have to change my inner perspective on so many things.)