Just a number

scaleDay 15 Project 365

We were moving! Moving in to a 3200 sq ft house. I was excited and exhausted. The previous owners had left a mess. ( HUGE UNDERSTATEMENT!) No part of this house didn’t have to be cleaned, painted or repaired. So after weeks of work we were down to the final steps. We needed to prime and paint every room so we called in the troops. Literally a dozen people on top of the 9 of us, descended upon our house in a paint party to end all paint parties. We had started early in the morning and by lunch time we were a tad punchy. It was about then that we realized that most of the punchiness was due to the fact that for the last hour we had been using the 2nd bucket of primer we had opened and it was oil based and we were all pretty much high. The jokes were flowing and the laughter was too. I remember a friend pulling up in the drive way and hollering in, I can tell you are all high from the fumes out here. We laughed and went back to painting. We were almost done and finishing off the formal dining room. It was me, my oldest son Nik and my friend Mary. The ‘Your MOMMA” jokes had started about 20 minutes earlier. Nik says to Mary your momma is so fat she eats Wheat Thicks instead of Wheat Thins! I think we laughed so hard we cried. Mary called her husband and told him about the paint mistake, the fumes, the wheat thicks. We laughed some more.

My friend is telling me the other day about the show Duck Dynasty and how one of the guys is going mattress shopping. I guess one guy says he doesn’t like to have to shake the sheets to find his woman. He likes that all he has to do is look for the low spot.

Once I was standing in line at the store when this guy says to his friend, “If she needs to eat a sub, I ain’t interested!” Now every time my husband sees a really skinny girl he says, “she needs to eat a sub!”

We have all heard the jokes and funny stories and laughed a little. As someone who struggles with the issue of weight I have laughed and cried my share of tears at the rude comments, hurtful looks, lack of self-esteem and self-confidence. I have been convinced I am not good enough because I don’t look a certain way. I have heard the “your kids will be ashamed of you comments” one too many times. I have tried every fad diet and tried and tried and tried. Some successes and some failures. I have been slave to the number checking and re checking. I have allowed outside sources to determine the number attached to my goal. What would make me beautiful to be defined my things that fade away. I surely wasn’t design for YOUR idea of what looks good on me or what it looks like to be in my skin.

Even my perspective on this issue has to change. A number on a scale doesn’t define me. Your idea of beautiful should not define me. I might never be what you think is skinny enough or pretty enough.

I love the commercials, I think it is for the Dove campaign for real beauty. Real women loving who they are and being comfortable in their skin. Could I do it? Probably not! Not quite there yet!

Being comfortable in my own skin means way more than being okay with what I see when I look in the mirror.

I have lost and gained and lost and gained and though I have been in the mode of losing since my son’s wedding it is quite different this time. I haven’t made a big deal. I haven’t shared my “new number” with many. People have noticed and made comment. I have thanked them. I am trying to not allow a number to be what it is about. To be my focus. I am not a slave to a number. I am not following some crazy set of rules that are destined to fail. (I can say that with complete certainty because I have done this before). As I examine my perspective I know that even this area of my life needs a change of my vision. It will never work if I don’t change my insides. My outlook starts on the inside too. Just like guns don’t kill people, people kill people. Food in and of itself doesn’t make me fat. I know my thoughts have a huge part of what I look like on the outside. As I identify my real feelings I find 95% of the time I am not even remotely hungry. I am finding that as I acknowledge my emotions and my thoughts I can deal with them instead of self medicate with food.

I have a lot of things I am learning right now. Perspectives that are changing and even in this moment I am making an active choice to do just that.

I don’t share the stories above without a point. I laugh differently today then I did back then. I used to laugh with an over whelming sense of guilt and shame. Today, I laugh because it is just a number, a thing. It doesn’t define me nor is it who I am destined to be. I am making strides, huge leaps and bounds above where I used to be. Maybe you can’t see it but, its okay! The biggest change is in me. Is in the things that no longer have the power to pull me.

Continuing to change..

Picture Credit
Resource-
Lose it For Life This book is pretty awesome. They have a little daily devotional/inspirational book too that is great. It really addresses the change in thinking needed. It is a great resource if you have the time to read it.

MORE BEAUTIFUL YOU – Johnny Diaz

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