Tag Archive | kindness

Somethings change and some stay the same!

coffeeDay 361 Project 365

Sipping my coffee and continuing in a very reflective vein this morning, this after chasing my grandpuppy around to retrieve my sock, threatening to end one dogs life that decided to attack my pant leg and try to convince another to head outside in the rain.  Oh the things in life that make you laugh and realize some things never change.

Then there are the things that have changed significantly.  I look back on my blog history and last year there is 6 months missing.  I remember where I was a year ago at this time. It wasn’t a quick trip or one single event that lead to what felt like the unraveling of my world.  I can almost taste that place, feel it and hear the chaos.  Yet in the next moment I remember how this new journey began.  I remember the truth spoken to the lies that began to tear down walls.  I remember the glimmer of hope that what did not manage to kill me could possibly make me stronger!  It has not been easy nor without set back. Yet for the set backs there have been amazing strides forward.  There has been freedom and victory.  So much has changed and even though a few things remain the same, I am not the person I was last year at this time.  You didn’t know me then. I didn’t pen my words to print.  I was beginning a slow ascent back into the world but with extreme caution.  This year it is different.  It has been a little rough because of things I can not control but none the less I am not the same girl I was.  So for today I will continue my year in review, I will chase this silly dog yet again as he runs pass me with yet another sock.  I will brave the rain and fight the dog.  I will journey on and only look back to glean that which will make me stronger.  2013 here I come.

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Merry Christmas 2012- with some nuts sprinkled in

Day 360 Project 365

Merry Christmas.

I find it hard to believe we are here again so quickly.  Maybe it is that I am getting old(er) that time is traveling faster than I can keep up.  I think I say that every year but, this year especially seemed to just fly by.  This morning  started with an excited 12-year-old jumping in bed telling me to get up and call his bros to hurry and open gifts.  No matter how hard I tried to convince this child that normally HATES to get out of bed that cuddling with mom for about an hour would be a great christmas present we made the calls to bro number 1 and bro number 2 as bro number 3 was still snoring in the next room.  Bro 1 said um see you at 9(ish) and Bro 2 said okay but alas fell back to sleep and it took 2 more calls to motivate an appearance. Karissa escaped to Florida for Christmas leaving me for the first time in my 22 years as a mom with a child missing at Christmas.  Yes I protested loudly and yes I lost the fight.  We tried calling her to tell her to hurry home to open gifts but…..voicemail!   A ping-pong table awaited so that kept the boys busy until at least bro 2 (Kris by the way) arrived.  After mere moments all the gifts were opened and that left  me cooking our traditional family Christmas breakfast a little lighter than some years as I only had to make 1 lb of bacon and 2 dozen eggs, along with our pancakes, sausage, egg nog french toast and christmas bread and hash browns.  This year we skipped the fruit and sausage gravy and biscuits.  Bro 1 Nik and wife Amanda arrived and we had gifts again and breakfast.  I had a “be still my beating heart” moment as my Nik asked me to stop cooking for a moment and come into the living room. I just knew they were going to tell me I was going to be a grandma but false alarm, it was just pretty candles.  :O)  My parents and sister arrived later as they do every Christmas morning to see the gifts and this year oh lucky us.  Cousin Eddie from Christmas Vacation showed up.  I should have known when I received a text to open the door for cousin Eddie that something was up.  Here shows my father in ….well here……There are no words. My father is a nut!  Yes, prayers are appreciated.

dad nuts Off we went to mom and dads where we were joined by my sister and brother-in-law and their kids.  My parents prepared another delicious meal of prime rib and all the trimmings.  Straight from their heart and trust me it is a labor of love.  We opened gifts and I even got to “retend” ( a 4 yr olds version of pretend) that I was the flower girl in Princess Addison’s fairy tale wedding to her prince. Erick carried the “rings’, Kody walked her down the isle to her daddy aka prince!   This followed by my father and Addison playing karate where my father decided to karate kick his 4 yr old grand-daughter. ( yes I know I said he was nuts but never has he been violent) I asked Addi if she wanted to play again and she said no and when asked why she said” pa has big feet!” Prayers for Addi would be good too! :O)

What a great day with so many blessings.

As I reflected on Christmas present and past I was reminded that the greatest gifts I received today were not wrapped in pretty paper and tied with a bow.  The most precious gifts to me are my children who bless me every day with thoughtfulness, kindness, and love. My family that is my rock, my solid foundation built on faith and hope and love and my amazing friends both old and new that help me find me and add such great value to my life.

Merry Christmas to you all and may we never forget the real meaning of Christmas and what really matters.

Stronger than ever

Day 288 Project 365

I am reminded this morning of where I was and hear me….

I will NOT go back!

I am FREE and I am alive.

Nothing- NOTHING!  Understand- NOTHING will keep me from a strong walk forward.

I am FREE and FULLY ALIVE!

It is something that with ever sense in my being I know.  I love where I am right now inside of myself.
I have been away for a while now but I am back and stronger than ever.

This is so not about just one thing.  It is about a collection of moments, memories, experiences, people, places and things.  It is about truth and clarity.  It is about vision and purpose and it is about realizing that I know who I am, what I want and where I am going.  I know exactly the things I have been called and designed to do.  No more playing in the pointless.  It is a new day and I am very much aware of all that is around me.

Moving forward….stronger than ever.

 

 

 

Here we go

Day 244 Project 365

Today the year is 2/3rds over.  WOW.  And so much yet to be done.  I looked at my list today of things I had hoped to accomplish and I, um, well….I have lots to do.

Where I am today:

The last few days have been an emotional roller coaster as I struggle to constantly change my default settings.  It is hardly as easy as it sounds.  None the less I am moving forward one moment at a time.  I have had a series of headaches for four days now.  It has been awhile since I have had a cluster of them like this so I am sure it is stress/enemy related.  That is okay I am doing what I can and pressing on.

Tonight I had a mini melt down.  Earlier in the week we had a talk with my oldest step daughter and her father informed her of his decision to stay in our marriage and require her to come back home. That is such a nut shell description because really he said some amazing things.   Lots of emotions and days later, tonight she has come back.  Not willingly but she is here.  Before he left to get her I struggled to speak. I asked him if we could please pray together because every part of this will be hard.  Every part and many people want nothing more than to see this fail.  He totally heard me and even prayed exactly what was on my mind. I wept.  He leaned down and said he is trying to think my thoughts, be in my head, understand.  I wept some more.  He drove off and I crawled on our bed and wept.  I have no idea what the world is going to happen.  I have struggled all day not to assume this will not work, to play out different situations in my head and try to retry my brain how to respond/react.  My head is pounding and I just want to take a deep breath and be “normal”.  I lite a candle and ran a hot shower.  I cried some more.  In my spirit I heard the Lord speaking to my heart.  He is greater than this and He is in control, if I let Him be.  I have to trust.  (It is hard Lord, I have done this so many times before)  Yet this time trust me with a new mind, a changed mind, a new way of thinking.

I am listening!

He has brought me too far to leave me where I am and if I trust and have faith in where He is leading me I will not be let down.

 

There is nothing as powerful as a changed mind!

Day 242 Project 365

There is nothing as powerful as a changed mind.

That is the title of my blog and the title of the message I listened to from TD Jakes this past Monday. (click on it for the service- stick with it and get to the message you won’t be sorry)

SO my blog today may be a little lengthy in that I want to share with you where I am but also my notes and thoughts on this message that, as I have listened to it over and over again, has started to change me on the inside. (my default settings)

My life is not unlike others.  I struggle with all the same things.  It hasn’t been easy but, who ever said it would be!  This past few years have been especially difficult and I have shared on many occasions on various things touching my life.  Even as I type this I can feel myself “beating around the bush” trying to figure out how to share without giving too much detail.

HERE GOES-

When I started into this past weekend I knew that by weeks beginning my life circumstances would be completely changed.  For a host of reasons my marriage would be over and my life would be changed.  Bitterness and hatred had crowded their way into lives- even mine.  Blame had taken over and lines had been drawn. I was exhausted, hurt, tired, and sick.  Although I was able my desire to do it again was gone.  The last thing I remember saying to my mom and friend was I am done, apart from a miracle it won’t change.  My thinking:  I am willing to take responsibility for what is mine but if others are set to continue to make it all me I just can’t.

After a Saturday from hell- emotionally and mentally, I resigned myself to the fact that come Sunday we would be done. I had been praying a dangerous prayer for a few weeks, GOD expose what is in the heart, what is kept secret and do whatever it takes, one way or another, to make a change.  I had an uneasy feeling for several days I couldn’t shake to the point of being physically sick.  I asked my parents and a few close friends to pray.  No details really, just asked for prayer.

Back up to Friday night.  My husband asked if there was a conspiracy theory.  Had I put people up to calling him.  NO- I assured him I had no part in that but I had asked people to pray.  People that I know if prompted by the Holy SPirit would do what they thought they needed to do.  So after a long talk and a lot of tears I went to bed.  Saturday he was gone.  By mid afternoon I knew that his time alone to think was not going to end well.  There are so many factors- step parenting and all, just the tip of the iceberg.

Sunday a.m. before the sun came up he was home, sitting on the bed with tears in his eyes.  You see some where on Saturday night I resigned myself to the fact I couldn’t change it.  I AGAIN gave up control or the illusion I ever had any to begin with.  Somewhere in the night I feel asleep.  Somewhere in the night, the Holy Spirit was continuing his work in my husband and for the first time my husband sat and shouldered what before had been all mine to “own”.  As I listened to him share I cried.  For so long it has been all my fault.  For so long it has been the easiest thing to blame me.  I had owned it and became so bitter.  I had allowed hate to take root so deep.  Here sat my husband telling me how much he loved me, couldn’t imagine his life without me and acknowledging the good things I have brought to him and his daughters.  Promising to make real changes, asking forgiveness and loving me.

We talked for a few hours and I went to church with my son Kody.  When I got back we talked some more.  All day we discussed and all day he took more ownership of things I had said previously would be a miracle if I ever heard.

I have to be honest, I had started looking for another place to live with my boys.  I had started preparing myself mentally for a change.  I knew GOD could do anything but I also knew that after so many years of blame, it was never going to happen apart from a miracle.

So here I sat Sunday afternoon with my husband asking me to sit with him as he told his daughter he wasn’t leaving and as he shared his wrongs and made things right.  She hasn’t been in our home all summer.  This wasn’t going to be easy.

We set some wheels in motion this week.  Both of us.  I feel as if I am walking on a sheet of ice at times.  I listen for the cracks and groans beneath my feet.

Monday night I opened my Facebook to see the message there is nothing as powerful as a changed mind.  My first thought was WOW my husband sure changed his mind.  I am being asked to change mine. So I clicked on the link and listened.

The journey GOD took me on that night lasted into Tuesday morning as I sat and listened to the message again and again.
No part of what we are going through is easy.  GREAT change is required from everyone in this house and around us.  I am having to reset my thoughts many times a day as I struggle to let go of the past and change my mind.

Below are my notes- as I listened to the message and started to understand why I keep retaking the test.  Why I seem to repeat the same things over and over.

You can change everything but if you do not change your mind the same experience will perpetuate over and over again because even if everything outwardly changed if nothing inwardly changed nothing will change.

Make straight paths for my feet- Get it together!  Dont let my brokenness get me off the course of my destiny.  I have to let it be healed.  Some people refuse to recover.  I have to let it be healed.  It is over.  I can’t change it! I can’t fix it! I tried to fix it on my own and it doesn’t work so I have to let it go!

I have to let it be healed.  I have to LET it be healed.

It seems the sick would want to be better the hurt would want to be made whole.  Net everyone wants to be healed.  Sometimes my outer actions say one thing and my inner convictions say something else.  Well thou be made whole or are you happy being sick?  DO you enjoy being sick?  Are you happy being miserable.  Being ill we can do whatever we want to do and blame it on how we grew up.  That becomes our excuse for our bad behaviors.  We always make it an excuse.  We can always make it someone elses fault.

Work on your relationships with all people.  Follow peace with all men. And holiness.

If I don’t do these things I wont see it- I wont see what God has for me if I don’t get myself together.

Root of bitterness- sins of the heart.  Things I can’t see.  Things that get in the heart and destroy.  They will spoil you.  You might have the gifting, talent, education but if your attitude is wrong you will always be spoiled by your own attitude.  Your attitude will corrupt opportunity life offers.

We need 2 scrub brushes-

1 scrubs the hearts, attitude and dispositions.

Troubles make us better or bitter- look at what is growing in my heart- maybe I say one thing but think something totally different.

I allow myself to be contaminated by that small thing I just refuse to get over.

Sins of the flesh.  What I do with my body, my mouth.  Flesh makes decisions that my head has to live with.

Sooner or later there are 3 things that have to be budgeted in my life: power (influence), money, sex (my body).

Dont be stupid and allow myself to make a permanent decision based on a temporary situation.

Dont give away the next 30 years for the next 30 minutes.

This TOO shall pass.  The enemy offers the trick,but really it is the stupidity that you have to look out for.

The crisis of being caught in a system of doing something you can not escape.  Trapped to repeat the cycle doing the same thing over and over and we can not get out.  Some of us get stuck in stupid.  Despite of our desire of change and not be able to do it!  Very frustrating.

The inability to correct the pattern of the wrong decisions.

I am stuck. In a pattern.

Repentance-to change your mind my pivoting direction.  It is not an ideology or a notion.  It is radical and change of mind that affects behavior.  These are the BIG directional changes. IM going the wrong way and if I don’t make a huge change I will loss my future.

Seeking a change of intelligence with a lot of emotions does not equate to change.  Tears don’t mean an indication of any change on the inside at all.

If you go on a computer. They have default settings.  Any program has a default.  The default sets into the computer that no matter if you deviate or not the computer will take you back to default.  Once you exit the program, without changing the default, it wont matter what you did  it will take you back to the factory default.

This is how most people live their lives. Their default hasn’t changed.  They go to church and yet walk out the door and nothing has changed.  You can cry and plead and shout but when you get back home you go back to default.

When you go back to yourself you are stuck in the same pattern as you were before.  You cry and pray and beg and sing and go to church yet I still keep going back to the same default.

Until I change my default I will continue to go back to my default because I despite changing everything else I didn’t change my mind.

NOTHING as powerful as a changed mind. NOTHING is as powerful as a changed mind.  NOTHING!  NOTHING! NOTHING!

One day you got sick and tired of being sick and tired and change your mind.  Today I am tired of being sick and tired.

I HAVE CHANGED MY MIND!

The devil can’t do anything to me.  Life can’t do anything to me.  People can’t do anything to me.  It doesn’t matter what I have done, how little I am, who they are, what they say.  There is NOTHING as powerful as a changed mind.

I am not going to fall back into the same type print I was before.  I have CHANGED my mind!

IM GETTING READY TO CHANGE SOME DEFAULTS.  I’m changing the settings so I can have a new normal!  REPENTANCE=A NEW NORMAL.

Whole family has been in the same default settings.  Just because the same last name doesn’t mean I have to stay in the same settings.  I am getting ready to change my default.  The only way off welfare.  Change your default settings.  Only way to get a good education.  Change your default settings.  Go into your phone booth spin around and change into Clark Kent and say I am not taking this no more.  Change your default settings.

Better than strong emotions is a decision.  I dare you to make a decision.  If you make a decision it might not even have any emotions in it at all.  The prodigal son was in the swine pen and all of a sudden he changed his mind.  The pigs couldn’t hold him, the pen couldn’t hold him, the disgrace couldn’t hold him.  He changed his mind and went home!

Once you change the default settings and you have a new normal there may be moments where you find yourself typing in your old font.  and if you find yourself typing in your old font the devil will come along and say you haven’t been changed.  this is how you know you have changed.  it is not that you might not mess up and do what you used to do, it is that it is no longer your normal, you aren’t always doing what you used to do. and when it is no longer your normal you wont go back to it like you used to because  the moment you get out of the situation you change back into who you are supposed to be.

Both the pig and the sheep can fall into the same mud.  The pigs default is to  like the mud but the sheep’s default is different.  The sheep says I don’t belong in this mess.  I might be in it but I do not belong in this mud.

Once you change the default life can make you worry but faith will rise up and drive your worry back and say but GOD is able to do exceedingly above all I can ask and think.  FAITH says you  are better than this.  FAITH says GOD has brought you through too much to let you go now.  We might fall into sin or trouble but we don’t wallow in it or stay in it.

The battle ground between right and wrong, GOD and the enemy, between success and struggle, between right and wrong,  your destruction or your destiny is in your mind because in your mind is your default settings.  As a man thinks in his heart so is he. If you don’t change it in your head you can’t change it in your life.  It has to change in your head or it wont change anywhere else.  Losing weight, faithful and committed, going after the job, being honest and true- it has to start with a change in your mind.

As long as all the things I can’t do or can’t be or am not good enough for are in my mind as my default settings I wont accomplish anything I need to CHANGE My mind- and change my defaults.

One day when she changed her mind the beatings stopped.  One day when  he changed his mind the drugs lost their power.  One day when she changed her mind the food lost its pull.  One day when he changed his mind the job becomes doable.

There is nothing as powerful as a changed mind.

The devil doesn’t mind you coming to church, singing in the choir, preaching, if you do good things and quote scripture.  The devil only minds if you change your mind!

Our circumstances and culture all around us affect our default but culture is nothing over CHRIST.  There are some things that have been planted in me that have been encouraged to grow, that never should have been.  Am I willing to allow a new truth to be planted in place of past experiences and there by change my mind or will I be imprisoned by weakness, ignorance or fear, not because I want those things but because I am unsuccessful at changing my mind?

Once I change in my mind people might do the same things that they used to do but I focused in my mind to respond differently.  Anything I focus my mind on I can change.  I am the only one that can change that.  I have to CHANGE my mind. I don’t have to be anything I don’t want to be if I ever decide to change my mind.  Cry all night wont change nothing.  There is something in my life I don’t like, patterns I don’t like,  the power lays in a changed mind.  I can repent and change my mind or I can die because I wont change my mind.

I have to build myself up, initially I have to fight hard to establish a new normal.  I have to put on the full armor of GOD!

BOLD PRAYERS

Day 225 Project 365

Okay so bear with me, this blog might be lengthy but I promise if you read to the end you will not be sorry.  It shows that no matter where I am at, where we are at, GOD knows exactly what we have need of. It talks about nothing being to hard for GOD. That when we take the limits off GOD bold things happen.

SO last night I got a text from my mom and dad.  Every year this time they take a motorcycle trip for a week to celebrate their anniversary.  They had just left yesterday morning and were traveling through the mountains on my dads motorcycle when:

 The shift linkage broke on a twisty up hill road. It was stuck in 4th gear so I couldn’t shift.  I had to slip the clutch just to keep the bike moving.  Once I got over the hill and part way down the other side, I found a gravel driveway to pull over in.  I was able to jerry rig the linkage with twist ties and  electrical tape and hold it together so we could get to Abingdon where we are staying.  A Baptist minister stopped to see if we needed help plus there was a bike shop two miles down the road and they were Christians too.  God is good.  There is a Harley Davidson dealer just up the road so I will go in the morning and hopefully they will have the part.  God took care of us and protected us.  Not only that , but here we were in the mountains, on a twisty road with a broken bike, and the first driveway we saw was an old gravelled driveway.  After we had pulled over and got off the bike, I was looking down to see what was wrong, and Mom was very upset to say the least, I looked up and on a tree beside the drive way was a sign: JOHN 3:26 I said Nancy look at the sign.  UN-believeable!”

My mom called me shortly after as I sat sobbing thanking GOD for His protection and my mom and dad shared with me that while they were riding and praying for me a song had come on the radio and it talked about GOD moving the mountain one stone at a time.  That there are many ways to move a mountain.  Sometimes a blast takes it out, or we bulldozed through or sometimes it is one shovel of dirt at a time.

Fast forward to this morning.   I NEVER watch tv but for some reason when I sat down on the couch I sat on the remote and clicked on the TV,literally!  Joel Olsteen was on TV and I was catching the tail end of his message.  It was on BOLD prayers.  I was moved to tears and sad I only got to hear part.  I googled it and as I did I decided to see if the news was coming on another channel.  Two clicks in and the same message was just starting from the beginning!

Here is the description of the message- keep reading!

#527 – Praying Bold Prayers

info@joelosteen.com (Joel Osteen)1/29/2012 12:00:00 AM-

We can’t reach our highest potential in our own ability; we need God’s help.  Part of releasing His help is through praying bold prayers.  God is moved by our faith. If you ask small, little prayers, you’ll get little results. But if you pray big prayers, you’re going to get big results.  Matthew 9:29 says, “According to your faith it will be done to you.” (NIV).  If you’re going to see God’s surpassing greatness , go beyond praying little prayers and ask God to do something big in your life. God is longing to amaze you with His goodness. Dare to stretch your faith. God wants to give you the secret petitions of your heart.

I had a GOD moment sitting on this couch this morning that actually started yesterday when a woman I have known and loved for years shared with me her testimony.  God had laid her on my heart when my life started to feel like it was unraveling a few weeks ago but I didn’t obey and reach out.  SO the Lord prompted her to share and she did.  Then, He protected and ministered to my parents to remind me that He moves mountains.  Then this morning, He asks me- What is it you ask of me my daughter.  Keep reading…..

There should be something I am believing for, praying about that goes beyond what I can do on ym own.  It is going to take the most high GOD to get done what is needing to be done in mine and my families life!

We get conditioned in our mind that this is how it is always going to be.  HOWEVER, we serve a supernatural GOD! I think I forgot that and became  so overwhelmed that I was giving up.

A normal prayer is Lord keep my children out of trouble.  A BOLD prayer is Lord help my children to achieve the greatness you designed for them! God use my children in a mighty way.  Help them to become leaders to serve and change the world for you.  Help them reach their full potential.

In the Bible Jesus would ask, what do you want me to do for you.  He already knew but he wanted to know what was on their mind, where their level of faith was at.  Like the blind men.  He knew they were blind.  He didn’t need to ask to heal them but he asked.

“When Jesus saw their faith He touched their eyes and for the first time they were able to see”.

When HE asks me what I need from Him I need to believe and ask BOLDLY!  Mountain moving, life changing prayers.  The kind that call-fire from heaven.

GOD I want to see my whole family serving you.  GOD I want to be the woman you designed me to be.  GOD I want to boldly touch lives for you.  GOD I want a marriage that honors you with a partner that serves you and honors you and leads boldly.  GOD I want to be prosperous so that I can help others that are where I have been. GOD today I want a car that runs so I can be about the things that bring honor to you and help my family and others.  GOD today I want a fire to be breathed in me that moves mountains!

In the natural Lord all the odds seem against me.

GOD I believe you are the all-powerful creator of the universe. I need you to do something big, something I can not accomplish on my own.  I need you to move a mountain even if it is one stone at a time.

When you ask BIG, GOD will open up supernatural doors.  HE will go before you and make crooked paths straight.  He is not limited by your back ground, by your education or where you come from.  There is NO limit to what GOD can and will do.

I am not supposed to live and die and never leave my mark.  Great things I was created to do.  There is something greater but I lost sight of that.  I almost allowed the enemy to lie to me and convince me that this, this pain and despair was my destiny, my mistakes were my future and my legacy.  NOT TRUE!

GOD doesn’t want this generation to be limited by the last.  He doesn’t want the sons and daughters to repeat the sins of the parents.  He wants us to increase, and our children to increase even greater than us!  BOLDLY believing that the things we have been created to do we will do.

Believe!  Stay in FAITH!  That allows GOD to do supernatural things.  I almost forgot.  I started to allow the enemy to creep into my thoughts and destroy my heart.

BOLD PRAYERS have begun.

When you and I pray we move the hands that move the world!  I am going to see GOD show up now in ways that I never thought possible.  2012 is going to be an amazing year- faith, favor, victory!

 

So for today

Day 220 Project 365

One of the most dangerous (yet effective) prayers I have ever prayed is Lord, whatever it is just show me.  Expose whatever it is and let me not be fooled or misled.  Bring into the light the things done in the dark.  Strip away the junk and let me see clearly.  Whatever it is just have your way.  I no longer care what it takes.  Just please do what needs to be done.

Over the years that pray has sure exposed some pretty serious stuff. It has resulted in some major changes, sifting, pain and growth.  It has led to tears and great triumphs as well.

This week I began praying this same prayer.  Whatever IT is IT is there.  I can sense it but not touch it.  It is the knowing without really knowing.  That is the part I can not stand.

So for today I pray.  I surrender that He has it under control.  He has too.

I am tired and weary and I am no longer willing to fight.  Not physically, not emotionally and not mentally and the spiritual battle, well that belongs to the Lord.

There isn’t much in my life that is not under attack right now.

I lay across my bed almost daily crying out I am DONE.  I completely surrender and then I get up, wipe my face and move on about my day.  It isn’t easy.  To be honest, it SUCKS.

I am not quitting.  I am not hiding.  I am surviving. I am hoping and I am believing that there will be light in the darkness.  There will be truth and there will be victory.

So for today I pray.