Tag Archive | lost


sign Day 9 Project 365

Some conversations really should not happen before I have had at least one cup of coffee.

Today is my anniversary! My husband and I have been together almost 13 years and married for 8 today! It has not always been easy but then again no relationships ever are. We are a blended family and that will forever be an adventure. Our relationship has taught me more about addictions than I ever thought I would know. Not only others addictions but my very own! That is for another blog but I think if you read back over my story you find bits and pieces of our testimony mixed in.

So this morning my blog really isn’t about my anniversary. It is about a conversation I had today and my thoughts. Warn ya know, it might be a rambling of things you already know but this is called a brain dump. An attempt to get it out of my head and proceed with my day without drawing a “HERE’S YOUR SIGN” sign and passing it around. (side note: I would have to take my turn wearing it too!)

Here goes. No names or real phrases will be used to protect the stupid and the views and comments to follow are completely mine and if they strike something in you good bad or ugly well….

We as addicts (and I believe we all have addiction issues) are addicted to a whole host of things not all of which have any thing to do with drugs or alcohol in the traditional sense of the words. I like wine but I could careless if I have wine. I have been drunk and done some pretty stupid “here’s your sign” things. I know where that kind of drinking takes me and so it is no longer a part of my life. Others may have a drug issue, illegal, prescribed or other wise. They chase a high or an escape or call it something else to make it okay! Some have a gambling problem. They will take their last fist full of money to get scratch offs or bingo or play slot machines. They will gamble in a different way even by spending like they have it knowing they don’t avoiding the moment and making a problem worse. Then there are those that are addicted to shopping and that could mean a trip to the mall with lots of packages or the UPS or FEDX driver slipping your stuff between your doors while you hide it so no one knows you got another “hit”. Some are addicted to sex and sex at all costs. Regardless of who it hurts and if it breaks a vow or the law. Still for others it is pain. They cut and mutilate their bodies to escape feeling or to feel. Some are addicted to food. It is that temporary yummy feeling followed by this deep sense of what have I done as the number on the scale goes up and your self-esteem plunges. Or the food takes anther twist and is the enemy and no matter how thin you really are you are fat and no good and the game turns the tables on you and you are stick and dying. Some are addicted to people (boy do I know this one) because after all in fixing or worrying about everyone else we get a false sense of who we are and feel better for the moment. We people please and in turn find the exact opposite of what we are looking for because we find we are never enough. And what about chaos? Addiction to the addiction, to the chaos, the never-ending problem! To the fight, the argument, the hate, the past, the memory, the un-forgiveness. When things are going good we are good then out of no where we set ourselves up for failure. Things start looking right and we step a little to close to the edge. We walk away from one slippery slope and when another appears dressed in a different “dysfunction” we know we shouldn’t do it but tend not to care because it fills some momentary need we have and thus signals the addiction we have to chaos.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over. We expect a different result and get none!

We end one bad relationship. We stop the pills. The drinking. The lying. The sneaking. We address the issue. We get help. Go to meetings. Find God. Start a new.

Then something happens and in that moment we start to slip into that “only one won’t hurt me” and whatever it is starts to have a hold. No maybe it isn’t the same “DRUG OF CHOICE!” but still, what was feeling good and new and right for the first time starts feeling “off” and we have to make justifications for it, we have to sneak or hide or look over our shoulder or even argue with our selves so we believe in our own minds that what we are doing is okay or not hurting anyone or justified. We had a chance to break a generational curse but now we packaged it in something different. We are crazy if we don’t think others our watching, especially the children. If allowed to continue we start to withdraw and things change. The “well at least I am not “fill in your old addiction” comments have now gone away because you have a new one. You have replaced one for another and expect a different result or someone to approve of it or allow you to justify it so it will be okay.

So, and I will speak for myself, when I ask you if what I am doing is wrong and you know it is wrong it is okay to tell me. When I ask you if I should do what you know sounds like the right thing to do it is okay for you to tell me. If I think and proceed to come up with excuses to keep myself in a place that is not right it is okay to say “well then, Here is your sign!.

And if I do ask someone if something is wrong and they say yes they feel it is I can’t get mad. Chances are they are right and if I am honest I already knew they were right even before I asked. If what I am really looking for is someone to justify and agree with my choices well then I should go find an addict that is in that same place because misery loves company. If what I am really looking for is accountability and I have found it then I can’t get mad. I may not like the way the truth rests in my ears and then penetrates my head and heart but then again, I knew that too didn’t I.

We taste freedom and what the hell is it that keeps up going back like a dog to our vomit. Finally start to get our lives back together, break the hold, get the free pass AGAIN and no jail, get a chance to do over with our families, our children. Get the new job and a driver’s license back. Get out of debate and don’t have to file bankruptcy. Get out from under the bookie and pay off the loan. We finally start losing weight and feeling better. We get a glimpse of healthy and freedom and then………………..BAM.

NEWS FLASH: The grass may be greener now but it could be painted to look that way. They have weeds over there too! They seasons will change and the grass will die. There is no fairy that waters, mows, edges and trims. If that grass is real then someone has to be doing something. GET REAL!

So today is about avoiding the BAM! It is about hearing the truth and finally figuring out how to let it set you free. It is about seeing with your eyes wide open that every action has a reaction. And once you step, well, what happens next could save your life or take it.

PERSONALLY- I have had 2 cups of coffee now and a great conversation were I had to do some eating of crow which tastes horrible by the way. I was ushered away for speaking a truth I myself needed to hear.

Time to step and towards LIFE!

Maybe you are in a place today you don’t even know where to start. I want to share some links with you:

Great song about Letting GO!

In Hampton Roads Virginia contact RECOVERY FOR LIFE

Counseling across the country

This blog today has run circles around my heart and my mind and I know the enemy of our souls wants to make us feel alone, defeated, worthless and like no one can possibly understand. It is in getting us to isolate and justify and give up that he thinks “he has us right where he wants us”. So if you are reading this today and you need help or prayer or someone to listen or some one to help you find a resource to finally step toward LIFE please message me and let me know. I pray that like has happened to me today God speaks to your heart and even if you don’t know what His voice sounds like you will be moved to make a step toward life.


Stronger than ever

Day 288 Project 365

I am reminded this morning of where I was and hear me….

I will NOT go back!

I am FREE and I am alive.

Nothing- NOTHING!  Understand- NOTHING will keep me from a strong walk forward.


It is something that with ever sense in my being I know.  I love where I am right now inside of myself.
I have been away for a while now but I am back and stronger than ever.

This is so not about just one thing.  It is about a collection of moments, memories, experiences, people, places and things.  It is about truth and clarity.  It is about vision and purpose and it is about realizing that I know who I am, what I want and where I am going.  I know exactly the things I have been called and designed to do.  No more playing in the pointless.  It is a new day and I am very much aware of all that is around me.

Moving forward….stronger than ever.




Fully Alive

Day 284 Project 365

I have no real excuse.  No real excuse that it has been 33 days since my last blog.  A project that I promised myself would not skip a beat.  Yet here I am 33 days, a whole month and I haven’t penned a word. Well, I have, just not on here.

Over the course of the last month so many things have been changing.  Things in my public and personal life.  Mostly things in my heart and in my mind and on that very personal note, I have penned them to the wind. I have written the deepest thoughts of my heart and mind and set them free.  Hoping yet, praying.  For the course of my thoughts has not always been truth as I have always understood it but then again it has set me free.  I know for most this blog will make no sense but it is my humble attempt to set my course.  It is my way to express the things that I need to without really saying them.  I know the power of the things pulling at me on the inside.  I know the draw of the thing that is setting me free.  I can taste it, touch it and am overwhelmingly drawn to it.  SO close yet so far away.

I walked along the surf the other night, all alone. Toes digging into the sand. Water rushing up and washing away the things that I thought I knew.  I watched as the sun set and begged that this feeling not go with it.  Knowing that chances are it’s already gone.  Hoping in something far greater than I can comprehend.

Oh I have prayed.  I have sought. I know.  I speak.  I can completely articulate that which is holding me together. I know the end even as I am just beginning.  I am learning and living and yet holding my breath.

This is a new place.  One I will hold to my heart. One I am not yet ready to completely explain. One I am not yet ready to completely release.  Chances are I never will.  I have surrendered to the fact it is far larger than me. I may be wrong Yet, I am very much fully alive.

With just a word, a smell, a touch, a taste.  Things are not as they once were and I am fully alive.



Day 250 Project 365

I was on my way back from Lynchburg one night.  I had made the trip several times before and knew my way.  I was driving along and listening to the radio, drinking my coffee, cruise control on.  It was dark, probably about 10:30 at night when things stopped looking familiar.  I knew I had missed a turn.  The roads I knew I should be on by now were no where in sight. Of course, if you have traveled that area you know there is nothing.  It is farm land and a few houses and shops sprinkled along the way.  I kept driving.  Turning around at this point might mean hours of back tracking with no guarantee I would recognize where I should turn or where I had made my mistake.  My plan was simple, just continue forward until some road sign showed me where I was or where I needed to be.  Finally about an hour later I saw a sign.  I was heading into the mountains or to Washington DC and needed to detour around so that I could get back on the interstate that would lead me home.  What would have been a 3 1/2 hour trip would be 6 but I knew where I needed to go, FINALLY!

It is simple to go through the motions.  I have done this same thing before.  I get on an auto pilot of sorts.  One thing I am learning this week is that in changing my thinking, my mind, I can not allow myself to be on auto pilot.  The cruise control can’t be engaged.

This is taking work.

Sunday I had a melt down of sorts.

Well, in reality I had one…no sorts about it. I spent so much time trapped in my own head I couldn’t even stand it.

Monday brought some clarity of mind and I was able to digest what I had been thinking and feeling and share were needed.

Bottom line for me- I know this road.  I have been there before.  What I was not paying attention to was the changes.  Subtile as they may be the landscape does change.  I have to change my thinking. Not all change is bad.  Not all change will fail.  I can go along thinking I “know” my way when really that might be my problem all along.  It might take me so far out of my way that I feel panic or fear.  It might be a huge inconvenience that could have been avoided had I paid attention, had I not been distracted.  Then there is the chance that I am just going along, nothing is changing but I am comfortable and complacent, for a while at least.  Maybe I am ok with the chaos. (GULP) At least I know what to expect and how to “deal”. A lot to process and think about.

By Tuesday I was able to take a deep breath, swallow hard and walk myself through what I needed to do.  A head knowledge had to become a heart knowledge and I needed to back track a little to right my course.  I won’t say I have done this completely but, with grace I have started to make the turn.  I am paying less attention to where I went wrong and missed my turn and more attention to the course I need to take to get where I am supposed to be. Instead of defaulting and going back like my mind likes to do, I am attempting to correct course and keep moving forward.

I will keep you posted……………

Here we go

Day 244 Project 365

Today the year is 2/3rds over.  WOW.  And so much yet to be done.  I looked at my list today of things I had hoped to accomplish and I, um, well….I have lots to do.

Where I am today:

The last few days have been an emotional roller coaster as I struggle to constantly change my default settings.  It is hardly as easy as it sounds.  None the less I am moving forward one moment at a time.  I have had a series of headaches for four days now.  It has been awhile since I have had a cluster of them like this so I am sure it is stress/enemy related.  That is okay I am doing what I can and pressing on.

Tonight I had a mini melt down.  Earlier in the week we had a talk with my oldest step daughter and her father informed her of his decision to stay in our marriage and require her to come back home. That is such a nut shell description because really he said some amazing things.   Lots of emotions and days later, tonight she has come back.  Not willingly but she is here.  Before he left to get her I struggled to speak. I asked him if we could please pray together because every part of this will be hard.  Every part and many people want nothing more than to see this fail.  He totally heard me and even prayed exactly what was on my mind. I wept.  He leaned down and said he is trying to think my thoughts, be in my head, understand.  I wept some more.  He drove off and I crawled on our bed and wept.  I have no idea what the world is going to happen.  I have struggled all day not to assume this will not work, to play out different situations in my head and try to retry my brain how to respond/react.  My head is pounding and I just want to take a deep breath and be “normal”.  I lite a candle and ran a hot shower.  I cried some more.  In my spirit I heard the Lord speaking to my heart.  He is greater than this and He is in control, if I let Him be.  I have to trust.  (It is hard Lord, I have done this so many times before)  Yet this time trust me with a new mind, a changed mind, a new way of thinking.

I am listening!

He has brought me too far to leave me where I am and if I trust and have faith in where He is leading me I will not be let down.



Day 243 Project 365

My stress relief is cleaning!  I actually love cleaning.  I love the feeling of accomplishment, the fresh smell, the organized space.  I love everything about cleaning, reorganizing, rearranging.  I am pretty OCD for the most part but there are those areas where I clean and organize and in no time at all they are junked up and I am frustrated all over again.  Hours of cleaning and sorting just to throw things back in cabinets and so much for everything its own space and place. With the best laid intentions of keeping everything neat and tidy I make sure others in the house know where everything is and what is expected.   As I was searching for a pan last night it hit me.  This whole DEFAULT setting thing.  I can clean and clean and clean my kitchen.  I can organize it down to the smallest detail.  Yet, if I get so hurried that I just this “once through it in there” I am reverting right back to my default.  I might have a fleeting memory of the hard work I put in to get this place clean but really the default of just get it put away somewhere and worry about it later takes over.  Before long I can tell that I am not the only one in my space (kitchen) doing the same thing.  Recipes spill from the cabinet, pots and pans fall out at my feet and the cabinet that isn’t closing right ends up like a jack in the box as it spills all over upon further investigation.

My point-

My life is the same way, in lots of areas.

Get personal-

I will be doing so good on my eating and making healthy choices.  I will have chopped and packaged up and made sure everything is ready for a great start and it does start well.  Then there is the day I wake up late or don’t feel like packing my lunch and the next thing you know I am having the “oh just this once through the drive through won’t hurt” conversation with myself.  My thinking really hasn’t changed and all the prep work and shopping in the world won’t help if I don’t change my stinking thinking.

I will be doing really good and working on changing my heart and not assuming or being reactive then he will say something or she will make a snide remark and I am back like a bullet gun loaded and ammo ready to let them know what they have done to hurt me.

I do really good letting go of my past and then in a moment something will happen that has nothing to do with me but some how it feels like it is my fault and the feelings of guilt and failure will suffocate me.

So as I searched for the pan I needed last night and made a mental note that I really need to gut my kitchen again and reorganize, I asked myself a hard question:  What exactly is the point?  I have cleaned it literally hundreds of times before.  What will be different this time and what in my thought pattern needs to change so I stop just throwing things in there “just this one time because I am hurried”?   I do know is that this week God is showing me some stinking thinking that has resulted in some really whacked out default settings.

Work to be done-

YES! LOTS!  I was drinking my coffee this morning and realized just how much work really there is to do.  In not only my life but in my relationships as well.  I have a default setting that is really broken.  It is not healthy nor is it Godly.  I could sit and share at least a dozen times ( I almost typed a lower number but wow that wouldn’t be honest) this week alone that I have found myself in a situation and all of a sudden I am defaulting back to some whacked process of rationalization.

It is a journey.  It is not about perfection but like I shared yesterday in my notes “Once you change the default settings and you have a new normal there may be moments where you find yourself typing in your old font.  And if you find yourself typing in your old font the devil will come along and say you haven’t been changed.  This is how you know you have changed.  It is not that you might not mess up and do what you used to do, it is that it is no longer your normal, you aren’t always doing what you used to do.  And when it is no longer your normal you wont go back to it like you used to because  the moment you get out of the situation you change back into who you are supposed to be.  Both the pig and the sheep can fall into the same mud.  The pigs default is to  like the mud but the sheep’s default is different.  The sheep says I don’t belong in this mess.  I might be in it but I do not belong in this mud.”

Today I am more aware of the broken places in my defaults, in my thinking and the need for changing my mind.  I do not think I have ever been more aware of the fact that all the best laid plans are for nothing, all the motivation is for nothing if I have not changed my broken thoughts, my thought patterns, my mind.  I have a lot of work to do to dig through the wounded past and really get to the root of these lies.  For now, I am changing my mind.  With every thought that comes my way I am redirecting and retraining and moving in a new direction.  I am realizing in a new way how every, EVERY action has a reaction, a consequence.  There is no such thing as just this one time when it could mean life or death, healing or hurt, fear or freedom.  It really is that simple.  Changing my mind is one thought at a time, one action at a time, one right choice, removing one bad decision to remove a life time of bad habit.  It is about this second and then all the seconds will add to minutes and then hours and then days and months and years of change but it has to start with my default.  I have to stop letting myself go back to “that place”.  Lots of work to be done!

Yes, my cabinets will be addressed this weekend.  It might just be time to purge and get read of the old and overwhelming.  It is time for a changing of my mind!

There is nothing as powerful as a changed mind!

Day 242 Project 365

There is nothing as powerful as a changed mind.

That is the title of my blog and the title of the message I listened to from TD Jakes this past Monday. (click on it for the service- stick with it and get to the message you won’t be sorry)

SO my blog today may be a little lengthy in that I want to share with you where I am but also my notes and thoughts on this message that, as I have listened to it over and over again, has started to change me on the inside. (my default settings)

My life is not unlike others.  I struggle with all the same things.  It hasn’t been easy but, who ever said it would be!  This past few years have been especially difficult and I have shared on many occasions on various things touching my life.  Even as I type this I can feel myself “beating around the bush” trying to figure out how to share without giving too much detail.


When I started into this past weekend I knew that by weeks beginning my life circumstances would be completely changed.  For a host of reasons my marriage would be over and my life would be changed.  Bitterness and hatred had crowded their way into lives- even mine.  Blame had taken over and lines had been drawn. I was exhausted, hurt, tired, and sick.  Although I was able my desire to do it again was gone.  The last thing I remember saying to my mom and friend was I am done, apart from a miracle it won’t change.  My thinking:  I am willing to take responsibility for what is mine but if others are set to continue to make it all me I just can’t.

After a Saturday from hell- emotionally and mentally, I resigned myself to the fact that come Sunday we would be done. I had been praying a dangerous prayer for a few weeks, GOD expose what is in the heart, what is kept secret and do whatever it takes, one way or another, to make a change.  I had an uneasy feeling for several days I couldn’t shake to the point of being physically sick.  I asked my parents and a few close friends to pray.  No details really, just asked for prayer.

Back up to Friday night.  My husband asked if there was a conspiracy theory.  Had I put people up to calling him.  NO- I assured him I had no part in that but I had asked people to pray.  People that I know if prompted by the Holy SPirit would do what they thought they needed to do.  So after a long talk and a lot of tears I went to bed.  Saturday he was gone.  By mid afternoon I knew that his time alone to think was not going to end well.  There are so many factors- step parenting and all, just the tip of the iceberg.

Sunday a.m. before the sun came up he was home, sitting on the bed with tears in his eyes.  You see some where on Saturday night I resigned myself to the fact I couldn’t change it.  I AGAIN gave up control or the illusion I ever had any to begin with.  Somewhere in the night I feel asleep.  Somewhere in the night, the Holy Spirit was continuing his work in my husband and for the first time my husband sat and shouldered what before had been all mine to “own”.  As I listened to him share I cried.  For so long it has been all my fault.  For so long it has been the easiest thing to blame me.  I had owned it and became so bitter.  I had allowed hate to take root so deep.  Here sat my husband telling me how much he loved me, couldn’t imagine his life without me and acknowledging the good things I have brought to him and his daughters.  Promising to make real changes, asking forgiveness and loving me.

We talked for a few hours and I went to church with my son Kody.  When I got back we talked some more.  All day we discussed and all day he took more ownership of things I had said previously would be a miracle if I ever heard.

I have to be honest, I had started looking for another place to live with my boys.  I had started preparing myself mentally for a change.  I knew GOD could do anything but I also knew that after so many years of blame, it was never going to happen apart from a miracle.

So here I sat Sunday afternoon with my husband asking me to sit with him as he told his daughter he wasn’t leaving and as he shared his wrongs and made things right.  She hasn’t been in our home all summer.  This wasn’t going to be easy.

We set some wheels in motion this week.  Both of us.  I feel as if I am walking on a sheet of ice at times.  I listen for the cracks and groans beneath my feet.

Monday night I opened my Facebook to see the message there is nothing as powerful as a changed mind.  My first thought was WOW my husband sure changed his mind.  I am being asked to change mine. So I clicked on the link and listened.

The journey GOD took me on that night lasted into Tuesday morning as I sat and listened to the message again and again.
No part of what we are going through is easy.  GREAT change is required from everyone in this house and around us.  I am having to reset my thoughts many times a day as I struggle to let go of the past and change my mind.

Below are my notes- as I listened to the message and started to understand why I keep retaking the test.  Why I seem to repeat the same things over and over.

You can change everything but if you do not change your mind the same experience will perpetuate over and over again because even if everything outwardly changed if nothing inwardly changed nothing will change.

Make straight paths for my feet- Get it together!  Dont let my brokenness get me off the course of my destiny.  I have to let it be healed.  Some people refuse to recover.  I have to let it be healed.  It is over.  I can’t change it! I can’t fix it! I tried to fix it on my own and it doesn’t work so I have to let it go!

I have to let it be healed.  I have to LET it be healed.

It seems the sick would want to be better the hurt would want to be made whole.  Net everyone wants to be healed.  Sometimes my outer actions say one thing and my inner convictions say something else.  Well thou be made whole or are you happy being sick?  DO you enjoy being sick?  Are you happy being miserable.  Being ill we can do whatever we want to do and blame it on how we grew up.  That becomes our excuse for our bad behaviors.  We always make it an excuse.  We can always make it someone elses fault.

Work on your relationships with all people.  Follow peace with all men. And holiness.

If I don’t do these things I wont see it- I wont see what God has for me if I don’t get myself together.

Root of bitterness- sins of the heart.  Things I can’t see.  Things that get in the heart and destroy.  They will spoil you.  You might have the gifting, talent, education but if your attitude is wrong you will always be spoiled by your own attitude.  Your attitude will corrupt opportunity life offers.

We need 2 scrub brushes-

1 scrubs the hearts, attitude and dispositions.

Troubles make us better or bitter- look at what is growing in my heart- maybe I say one thing but think something totally different.

I allow myself to be contaminated by that small thing I just refuse to get over.

Sins of the flesh.  What I do with my body, my mouth.  Flesh makes decisions that my head has to live with.

Sooner or later there are 3 things that have to be budgeted in my life: power (influence), money, sex (my body).

Dont be stupid and allow myself to make a permanent decision based on a temporary situation.

Dont give away the next 30 years for the next 30 minutes.

This TOO shall pass.  The enemy offers the trick,but really it is the stupidity that you have to look out for.

The crisis of being caught in a system of doing something you can not escape.  Trapped to repeat the cycle doing the same thing over and over and we can not get out.  Some of us get stuck in stupid.  Despite of our desire of change and not be able to do it!  Very frustrating.

The inability to correct the pattern of the wrong decisions.

I am stuck. In a pattern.

Repentance-to change your mind my pivoting direction.  It is not an ideology or a notion.  It is radical and change of mind that affects behavior.  These are the BIG directional changes. IM going the wrong way and if I don’t make a huge change I will loss my future.

Seeking a change of intelligence with a lot of emotions does not equate to change.  Tears don’t mean an indication of any change on the inside at all.

If you go on a computer. They have default settings.  Any program has a default.  The default sets into the computer that no matter if you deviate or not the computer will take you back to default.  Once you exit the program, without changing the default, it wont matter what you did  it will take you back to the factory default.

This is how most people live their lives. Their default hasn’t changed.  They go to church and yet walk out the door and nothing has changed.  You can cry and plead and shout but when you get back home you go back to default.

When you go back to yourself you are stuck in the same pattern as you were before.  You cry and pray and beg and sing and go to church yet I still keep going back to the same default.

Until I change my default I will continue to go back to my default because I despite changing everything else I didn’t change my mind.

NOTHING as powerful as a changed mind. NOTHING is as powerful as a changed mind.  NOTHING!  NOTHING! NOTHING!

One day you got sick and tired of being sick and tired and change your mind.  Today I am tired of being sick and tired.


The devil can’t do anything to me.  Life can’t do anything to me.  People can’t do anything to me.  It doesn’t matter what I have done, how little I am, who they are, what they say.  There is NOTHING as powerful as a changed mind.

I am not going to fall back into the same type print I was before.  I have CHANGED my mind!

IM GETTING READY TO CHANGE SOME DEFAULTS.  I’m changing the settings so I can have a new normal!  REPENTANCE=A NEW NORMAL.

Whole family has been in the same default settings.  Just because the same last name doesn’t mean I have to stay in the same settings.  I am getting ready to change my default.  The only way off welfare.  Change your default settings.  Only way to get a good education.  Change your default settings.  Go into your phone booth spin around and change into Clark Kent and say I am not taking this no more.  Change your default settings.

Better than strong emotions is a decision.  I dare you to make a decision.  If you make a decision it might not even have any emotions in it at all.  The prodigal son was in the swine pen and all of a sudden he changed his mind.  The pigs couldn’t hold him, the pen couldn’t hold him, the disgrace couldn’t hold him.  He changed his mind and went home!

Once you change the default settings and you have a new normal there may be moments where you find yourself typing in your old font.  and if you find yourself typing in your old font the devil will come along and say you haven’t been changed.  this is how you know you have changed.  it is not that you might not mess up and do what you used to do, it is that it is no longer your normal, you aren’t always doing what you used to do. and when it is no longer your normal you wont go back to it like you used to because  the moment you get out of the situation you change back into who you are supposed to be.

Both the pig and the sheep can fall into the same mud.  The pigs default is to  like the mud but the sheep’s default is different.  The sheep says I don’t belong in this mess.  I might be in it but I do not belong in this mud.

Once you change the default life can make you worry but faith will rise up and drive your worry back and say but GOD is able to do exceedingly above all I can ask and think.  FAITH says you  are better than this.  FAITH says GOD has brought you through too much to let you go now.  We might fall into sin or trouble but we don’t wallow in it or stay in it.

The battle ground between right and wrong, GOD and the enemy, between success and struggle, between right and wrong,  your destruction or your destiny is in your mind because in your mind is your default settings.  As a man thinks in his heart so is he. If you don’t change it in your head you can’t change it in your life.  It has to change in your head or it wont change anywhere else.  Losing weight, faithful and committed, going after the job, being honest and true- it has to start with a change in your mind.

As long as all the things I can’t do or can’t be or am not good enough for are in my mind as my default settings I wont accomplish anything I need to CHANGE My mind- and change my defaults.

One day when she changed her mind the beatings stopped.  One day when  he changed his mind the drugs lost their power.  One day when she changed her mind the food lost its pull.  One day when he changed his mind the job becomes doable.

There is nothing as powerful as a changed mind.

The devil doesn’t mind you coming to church, singing in the choir, preaching, if you do good things and quote scripture.  The devil only minds if you change your mind!

Our circumstances and culture all around us affect our default but culture is nothing over CHRIST.  There are some things that have been planted in me that have been encouraged to grow, that never should have been.  Am I willing to allow a new truth to be planted in place of past experiences and there by change my mind or will I be imprisoned by weakness, ignorance or fear, not because I want those things but because I am unsuccessful at changing my mind?

Once I change in my mind people might do the same things that they used to do but I focused in my mind to respond differently.  Anything I focus my mind on I can change.  I am the only one that can change that.  I have to CHANGE my mind. I don’t have to be anything I don’t want to be if I ever decide to change my mind.  Cry all night wont change nothing.  There is something in my life I don’t like, patterns I don’t like,  the power lays in a changed mind.  I can repent and change my mind or I can die because I wont change my mind.

I have to build myself up, initially I have to fight hard to establish a new normal.  I have to put on the full armor of GOD!